A Holiday Snifter

Drinking and the holidays are a great match.  You're very stressed by trying to get all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, cards, gifts, tree, decorations, cookies and family time in, plus, let's face it, the holidays have some really good alcoholic drinks.  It makes it the hardest time of the year for a recovering alcoholic, in my opinion,

The holidays are one of the main reasons people have a hard time giving up drinking, but not for the stress or the festive drinks, but rather for the memories we have of the better times, when alcohol hadn't ravaged the mind and body.  I used to love a little warm Drambuie after Thanksgiving dessert was over.  With my Christmas prime rib, I would savor a fine Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot, and a nice dry champagne on New Year's was always fun, especially since these were drinks I didn't have any other time of the year.

When you try to give up drinking, those fond holiday memories are usually the hardest hurdles to jump.  You fall back to the few times when your drinking had a level of dignity and class to validate guzzling cheap booze the rest of the year.  To get sober, you have to give it up completely, and so goes the limited 'nice' drinking you have left in your life.

The stress was there this year, unbearable at times, but I never went to the point of thinking about alcohol as a cure.  I wrapped myself in my kids, and a nice cup of coffee, when the frustration got to be too much.  This year, I didn't have the ghost of a pain/pleasure relationship weighing me down as hard as it did before.  It was still tough.  It will always be tough.

Happy New Year everyone!  I hope 2015 is wonderful for you.

Love Story

I'm in love.  The city I live in inspires me, welcomes me, entices me and compels me.  It's cold and beautiful, filled with great food, gorgeous buildings, stunning people and endearing quirks.  Every few months I get reminded of how wonderful it is to live here and how I will never leave.  She flirts with me, compliments me, warms me, and hugs me.  I'm in love.

Friday Music - The Ettes

It's like trying to hide in a swimming pool, you're always going to be exposed...

Merry Christmas

I dream of traveling the distances,
lying next to you in front of the tree and fireplace,
warm and cozy,
wrapped in a blanket,
where underneath,
we are unwrapping all of our gifts for each other.
The greatest gift is companionship,
Choosing to be with the person you want to be with.

The Secret Gallery

I had the privilege of going to a secret gallery.  This was an art gallery in a private house with some very good pieces.  It was very...romantic.

Whirling

Your View For Your Visit

This would be the music room.  We'd have had a sing along...

Friday Music - The Neighbourhood

I hope you are having a nice holiday - this may cause seizures

Spiked Eggnog

I hope you all are having a happy holiday season.

This time of year is amazingly stressful for me.  Not only do I have a big family, a lot of cards, overseas packages and numerous get togethers to plan, but my job requires me to work ahead for the holiday break.  The last two weeks I have had four 13 plus hour work days, and then I have to take care of holiday stuff.  I am exhausted.

But I'm also happy, and managing this a lot better than when I was drinking.  Last year, this was the day I fell off the wagon for the first time.  I had done so well to get from November 13th to December 18th, but the wheels came off and I spent the next week and a half really drunk.

What's funny is how the recovered drunks will tell you to never think you can ever return to drinking.  You give it up for awhile and you start to think, "well I was out of control, but now I'm back.  I can have a drink to unwind, or a beer this weekend, and I'll be just fine."  HAHAHAHA.  Actually, you have that first drink after being sober for awhile and within a very short period of time, you're back to drinking at the heaviest levels you were before you gave it up.  There is no going back, for if you do, you begin where you left off, and for most who have to give up drinking, that's a really bad place.

Last year I kind of ruined Christmas for my kids.  I'll not ever forgive myself for that one.

On the positive side, with alcohol gone, I'm able to handle the stress of the holidays much better.  It's funny, you have a drink to unwind and as you ramp up, the drinking is a major contributor to the stress.  It's only when you stop drinking do you realize how stressed out your life had become.

The Birch

AA Part 2

I am hesitant to share this part of my AA journey.  I have to, I really do, as what I'm about to describe was a major contributor to my feeling AA was never going to work for me.  What happened was so bad, it actually lead me to drink very heavily for a month.

The reason I'm hesitant is because even though I never thought "what happens in AA meetings, stays in AA meetings" was a thing, some people who go to these meetings do feel as if that is the rule.  The reality is I can't tell this chapter of my story without getting specific to a point, but if the jerk hadn't done what he had done, this would've never been an issue.  I'll try to use a minimal amount of description.

After I walked away from the noon group, I decided to try to find a different Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  I'd heard all groups were different so I went back online and found a men's only group which met one night a week at a local church.  It was late September.

The night of the meeting, I went to the church but only found locked doors.  I pulled up the meeting info on my phone and it said the meeting was in the basement.  Since the church was a split level, I went around to the back and proceeded to find all the basement doors locked too.  I started to wonder if the meeting was an old one, and the website, which clearly lacked information, had also not been updated anytime recently.

I noticed a group of men behind the church, in a park.  I took a chance and approached them, asking if this was the group that met on Thursday nights.  They said yes, and I was greeted with four smiles.  The abundance of welcoming was a nice change from my pervious meetings.  The men, all over the age of 40 (like me), informed me the meeting facilitator had the key to the building and would be there soon.  We chit-chatted, nothing too serious, for about 10 minutes.  A vehicle pulled up to the back of the church and a figure got out, went to one of the back doors, opened it up and then the lights flickered on in a large room.  The five of us strolled over.

I walked into what might have been a cafeteria or soup kitchen at some point, but had been storage for at least ten years, with piles of dusty boxes stacked precariously all around.  In an open area in the center of the room was a man putting five chars in a circle.  I immediately recognized the man as the facilitator of the first AA meeting I had gone to a few weeks earlier, the noon meetings.  This guy had facilitated two of the other meetings I had with that group and clearly was deeply involved with AA, maybe even having a paid position, if there is such a thing.  I said hello, and he looked up at me surprised.  He's a younger guy, in his twenties and although his face didn't share too much emotion, he seemed friendly enough.  He quickly grabbed a sixth chair and made room for me.

The initial dynamic of this group was very different from the other groups.  We still went through the same motions of the other meetings, although it was a quicker process with a smaller group.  We went around and started talking about drinking.  These guys seemed to have a similar stories as myself, got caught up in life, used alcohol to unwind, it got out of control.  The consequences these guys had gone through were not on par with the noon group, but the sadness in their eyes as they told their stories didn't mean they weren't scarred.

Since I felt comfortable, I decided to share my story for the first time.  I began to speak, going over the strain which really was the initial catalyst for my drinking going from social to dependent.  I talked about gradually getting worse and worse, realizing I was jeopardizing my relationship with my family and my job, and admitted if I didn't get this under control, I was going to crash hard.  At least that's what I intended to say.

When I got about 30 seconds into my story, the facilitator said something I will never forget, "oh, boo-hoo."  The entire group looked up with shocked eyes at the group 'leader.' I sat in silence, trying to figure out if this guy had actually said what I thought he had said.  I stammered, "pardon me?"

"Oh, boo-hoo!  Your life got tough and you decided to become a drunk.  You think you have real problems?  The only real problem you have is you are a drunk and you are desperately trying to find someone else to blame for your drinking.  Who's forcing you to drink?  Who?  No one, you are a drunk and until you recognize that, you'll always be a drunk.  Stop making the pain worse for everyone in your world by blaming them for your failure!"

I am not a violent man, but how I did not cave in that f-ers face right then is an enigma.  I have thought a lot about what kind of person says something like that in a meeting for people seeking help.  I thought about all of the true train wrecks this guy must have to try to help council, everyday.  This was the second group I knew of.  He might be facilitating four or five other groups too.  He likely is dealing with his own addiction issues, and might be having a hard time staying focused.  He might of thought this was an effective 'tough love' exercise.  He might have just been a jackass, 20-something who thought I really didn't have a problem.  I don't know.

Through clenched teeth, I stared directly into his skull.  "Your right, it is my fault, it is my problem, these are my mistakes.  I never blamed anyone else for my problems.  I was just giving you an idea of what was my background.  I didn't think tonight was going to be me getting publicly shamed by some guy in front of a group of strangers because he thinks this is what I need."  He rolled his eyes and acted like he had lost interest in me.

As this point, in a effort to de-escalate the tension, other group members, still clearly shocked themselves by the facilitators comments, jumped in and took the good cop role.  They said it was great I was taking these first steps, this is a long journey and it was courageous to look at myself and take blame, but to no avail.  They tried desperately to give the halftime pep talk to the team down by 40 points, but everyone knew the game was long over.  They all knew I was going to walk out of that meeting and drink like there was no tomorrow, which I did.

We wrapped up the meeting and the 20-something guy, trying to validate his actions after the fact, insisted "I never meant to get personal, but I just was trying to help you see where the problem lies."  Just wanting the meeting to get over as fast as possible, I shook his hand while looking down, letting go a quickly as I could.  After the meeting, he sprinted to his car and left.  The four other members apologized profusely for his behavior.  "That wasn't right.  He was wrong to say those things. You need to help people confront the problem, but there are better ways to do it."  They all told me to hang tough and come back next Thursday.  I didn't.

I went home, swearing off of AA.  I have run into the guy twice in passing, and both times, he saw me, turned and ran.  No attempt at an apology, no asking how I was doing, just running away.  I talked to a specialized councilor a few weeks later and when I told him what happened, he asked, "younger guy who thinks he is worldly beyond his days?"  I couldn't have tagged it better myself.  The guy was a jackass.

It's crossed my mind he might be a guy who takes pleasure in others failing while he is succeeding.  Great choice to run AA meetings.

I sank into a bottle deeper and deeper...

Friday Music - Weezer

I just like Weezer...don't judge me!

AA Part 1

Alcoholics Anonymous is an interesting organization.  I can see how it can help some people, especially people who need a regular group to meet with to keep sober, but, for a few different reasons, it didn't work at all for me.  As a matter of fact, my bad experiences with AA lead me to drink heavier for a few months before finally sobering up.  If someone was to ask me if AA works, I'd  tell them "to a point, and for some," but I would encourage them to try other options first.

In late August of 2013, I realized I was starting to crawl into a bottle and not wanting to come back out.  The good news was I still was tethered enough to reality to know I needed to stop.  I didn't want to have to go to one of those treatment facilities you see advertised, the ones which look like a spa facility and has people who look like they were in bad shape but are now cleaned up, talking about how "it saved my life."  It looked like a lovely vacation, but I really didn't think that was the level of treatment I needed.  I decided baby steps.

I went online and looked up AA.  I pulled up a shocking amount of meetings in my area, near 50 a week, within a 5 mile radius of my house.  AA meets in churches and coffee shops, in strip malls and business centers, and even at people's houses.  All the meetings were listed with a where and when, that's it.  In hindsight, this was the first problem.

I chose a group which met every day at noon at a coffee shop near my house.  I, wrongly, thought it was a nice option this group would have a daily meeting, ensuring if someone could only make it Thursdays or Sundays they had a choice.  The real intent of this group having daily meetings was due to the members of this group being heavy, hardcore addicts.  Many of these people had such serious problems with drinking and/or drugs they needed the security of a daily meeting to have a focus point to latch onto, quite literally living the 'one day at a time' mantra pressed by the AA leaders.  The rest of the meeting's attendees were likely being ordered by the courts to meet everyday, but clearly had no intent of slowing down.  There was nothing on the website to warn a potential member about this fact.

I entered the meeting and sat down quietly in a corner.  There were about 25 people in the group, men and women, young and old, some dressed professionally and some less.  No one introduced themselves, they all just looked at a fixed spot in front of them.  A select few members got a warm salutation, but the group had a dark feel.  We went through the meeting introductions and I got to say, "Hi I'm ____, and I'm an alcoholic."  They all responded, "Hi _____!"  Off we go.

They were going through the early motions of the meeting, when someone reminded the meeting leader they needed to ask if this was anyone's first meeting.  The guy asked, and I raised my hand, saying it was my first.  There was a stunned silence as 25 people looked at me wide eyed, like I was a child who dropped an F-bomb.  For a few moments, the meeting attitude changed from a durge to an uncomfortable community picnic, where some neighbor you've never met tries awkwardly to welcome you.  They gave me a plastic AA coin, something I still have, and went through a few formal welcoming comments.  I can't really remember what they said.  I was scared and buzzed.

We then got into what I called the meat of the meeting.  This was the open floor segment where people talked about their failures and successes.  The first person to talk had their 30 day anniversary. The group gave him a round of applause, and there were a lot of congratulations, too many congratulations.  I hadn't tried to give up alcohol at that point, but I knew from earlier in the year I could go a few days without drinking easy.  Thirty days seemed like a real short stretch of time to celebrate, but I told myself I didn't know where he was coming from.

Person after person spoke.  The room got darker and darker as horror story after horror story unfolded for me.  Lost jobs, lost kids, lost wives, lost husbands, and lost houses.  Jail time, court dates, car wrecks, two drunken rants, one of which came from a guy so drunk he was losing a sitting fight with his chair.  There were kids, KIDS(!), talking about hard days and nights with serious drugs, copious booze and sinful service preforming.  I'm in my 40's and this fight to rid my life of alcohol has been hard.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to look at life from 18 and realize the odds are against you.

I kept quiet.  I studied the group.  I kept saying to myself, "I'm not anywhere close to these guys." It's not fair to compare your addiction to others, but this group gave me a really screwed up starting position.  Next to most of these people I was a guy who had a few too many after work one night.  My problems seemed quaint.  I went to a few more noon meetings, three to be exact, and I finally said enough.  It was in the fourth meeting where a drunk man went on a 20 minute, slurred, angry rant about how the world was so unfair, and no one batted an eye.  They just kept looking at the fixed spot in front of them the entire time.  That speech, and the reek of liquor off the guy from 30 feet away, bugged me, but not nearly as much as the woman who I had met at two other meetings insisting she never saw me a day in her life.  I knew I had a problem, but this group, due to the depth of their disease, was not relatable, and planted a seed in my mind that my problem wasn't that bad.

I went back online and realized you could not differentiate what each group was like.  They let you know if it was a men's only or women' only meeting, but never the level of addiction each group was predominantly populated with.  I know there were probably other, less weathered drinkers at these noon meetings, but they got drowned out in a sea of sorrow and misery.

I decided to try a different AA group.

Friday Music #2 - SBTRKT ft. Ezra Koeing

The music I found when holiday music felt wrong

Friday Music - Roman Candle

Alas poor turkey, as wishing still helped

Thanksgiving

Name your slice!

Have a great Thanksgiving!

Holidays are Hard

I hate when I do something and I can remember the last time I did it, I was drunk.  It sucks.  It makes me realize how much I was screwing up.  I've had about four or five really ugly reminders of that the last few weeks.

The holidays are hard.  It's tough enough to scramble to get everywhere you want to go and finish everything you need to get done, but throw into that forced family gatherings, stressed out people and alcohol being around you everywhere and it can be unbearable.

I look forward to relaxing for the rest of the day tomorrow after I eat.  I'll try to stay sane if you try to stay sane, deal?

Friday Music - Shura

Previous...not devious. The fire makes me warm.

Thursday Warmth

Positive and Negative Re-enforcement

I think physically fit people are amazing.  The ones where you see the tremendous effort they make, damn impressive.  If you're 35 and older and you're in better shape than most 18 year olds, you've earned the right to brag and flaunt, but be careful when it comes to passing judgement to others.

I have not told too many people about my decision to cut alcohol from my life, partially because of some of the initial reactions I heard when I did tell some (more on that later).  Like a lot of people who quit, I picked up some food and drink habits which are very unusual for me.  I used to drink only black coffee, but now I drink it with cream and a shot of carmel syrup.  I drink a lot more Diet Coke than I used to and I'm eating more sweets.  I was never a sweets guy.  Sure, I had cake and pie on special occasions, but outside of Halloween and Easter with the kids, candy and junk food were not something I partook in too often.

Since giving up alcohol, it's like my cravings started on a search for something new to offset the liquor.  Entenmann's Devils Food cake chocolate covered donuts are my current taste bud paramour, but I feel there might be something better I just can't put my finger/tongue on.  My wife has been a great support.  So far I haven't put too many pounds on (partially because I lost a ton when I gave up the empty calories of alcohol, but now I have returned to the gym with a vengeance...I am sore), but when I saw my eating habits had changed, I got concerned I was going to pack on the weight.  My wife told me not to worry about it.  "I don't care how you look.  I am so proud you have quit drinking.  You'll always look great to me."  Positive support helps.

Which brings me back to my über healthy friends.  Yes, I know Diet Coke is not the healthiest thing I can drink.  Yes, I know going with a herbal tea instead of a sundae disguised as a coffee is better for me.  Yes, I know snack foods and candy are bad.  I really do know this, and I appreciate the concern for my health, but a can of Diet Coke, a coffee with cream and sugar, and a Reese's peanut butter cup are far better for me than 10 shots of whiskey.  If you're being critical of my dietary choices, I know first and foremost your trying to help.  But maybe you should ask yourself, after the fourth or fifth time you've criticized my soda, whether the soda is my healthier option.

I appreciate the advice, but do me a favor, ask yourself what might be the reason why I'm ignoring it.

Wolves

Interesting fact about wolves in the wild; they live only about 2 years.  That's it.  Two years, or if you believe the common 'times 7' conversion, 14 in dog years.  Compare that to the common domesticated dog, where, depending on the breed, they can make it 10, 15 and even longer.  Quality of life for a domesticated dog is so much better than their fight for life every minute wild counterpart.  The benefits of not having to hunt for everything you eat, comfortable shelter, nutrition, vet care, even dog car harnesses and advanced medicine, have made dog's lives a much longer venture.

The same can be said about humans.  In the Bronze age, life expectancy was 18.  Seriously, if you made it to 35 back then, you were the wise old village elder.  Today it's 80 plus.  Less warfare, indentured servitude, and wild animal killings and more houses, medical care, workplace safety measures and a reliable, normalized diet have extended human life over 4 times longer than our ancient counterpart.

Which brings up an interesting observation when it comes to death.  We have a tremendous amount of people who die way too young because of drugs and alcohol.  Type in 'celebrity' and '27' into any search engine to see a shocking list of musicians and actors who met their demise at 27, most of them from drug and/or alcohol abuse, or from something related to said abuse.

Mind you, these people aren't just turning back the clock to the ages of yore, choosing to partake in a life expectancy more akin to ancient Rome.  They are fighting back hard, medical advancements be damned, consuming enough booze and/or drugs to wipe themselves out.  If a person who dies of alcohol abuse at 25 today, lived back then, they probably would have died at 10.  I know a person who met both John Belushi and Amy Winehouse in their last throes of life.  Both of them were so out of it, they couldn't answer even simple questions.  In the case of Winehouse, he did something he had never done before, broke the mold of the job he was supposed to do and insisted on immediate medical care for her, something her people fought hard against.  The way the story was relayed to me, it was as if he realized he was walking past a burning building.  If he didn't yell fire, he was complacent in the ensuing carnage.

As I continue to think about things post drinking, I'm astounded by the vice in which we partake in.  I'm not against drinking.  I'm not.  I just have a different perspective about it now that I have, hopefully, given it up for good.  I am 46.  It is numbing to think about the people younger than me who are long off this planet, aided on their journey with drugs and alcohol.

Most people without a mental condition wouldn't knowingly choose to throw back the clock and die young, but how many people are de facto choosing that path because they think they drink to live, when in reality they live to drink.  We romanticize the party lifestyle, but when was the last time a person thought of a party lifestyle which didn't include copious amounts of booze and drugs?  We worship this stupidity way too much.  The good die young?  Bullshit, only a dumb fool would throw away the 50 to 60 years their life may hold just so they can get their drink on.

My dog is not dumb.  He has zero intent on throwing back the clock and return to his species feral roots.  Instead of looking for a wounded squirrel and wondering where he can possible get out of the cold for the night, he is currently sleeping on the floor next to me, with a full belly and a smile on his muzzle.

The Neighbor

I was going to write something about drinking today, something with exquisite insight into the soul and psyche of the modern drinker, and an amazing observation about the social narrative in regards to alcohol, but...

I got a call from my neighbor around noon today.  She, her husband, their daughter and a dog moved in a little less than a year ago.  On outside appearances, they seemed nice enough.  The dad was not around a lot and more than a little standoffish, but they seemed okay.

They are getting divorced.  I saw her this morning loading some things into the car, but didn't think anything of it.  She and her daughter are going to move in with her mom.  The dad is abusing cocaine and marijuana, drinking to the point of blacking out every time he drinks, and it apparently was physically abusive to the daughter.  It sounds like there might have been some external pressure being placed on the situation from health workers who were expressing concern for the daughters well being, the final justification for her to make the move.

She said he had no interest in going to treatment or stopping his behavior.  He insists he doesn't have a problem.  From the sounds of it, the marriage is not going to be saved.  They are likely going to lose the house.  Safety protocols have been set up to protect the daughter, and his relationship with her will never be normal.  Hell, if he is abusing that many drugs, he'll have a hard enough time not barreling into harder and harder drugs, let alone getting sober.

Now I am only concerned about my wife and kids, making sure his addictions and rage don't send him out of control.

When I referenced my drinking and making a mistake that would affect my life and the lives of my kids, I didn't expect to get a prime example of just such a circumstance popping up next door to me the very next day.

One Year

Today marks an anniversary for me.  One year ago, November 13th, was the day I first removed alcohol from my life.

My issues were a longtime coming, but some personal losses and failures in late summer/early fall of last year led me to mute life in a breathtaking and dangerous fashion.

I didn't fully remove the alcohol until February 3rd of this year.  I found myself drinking around Christmas and once again in late January, but, outside of communion wine, I have not touched it since.  It was a decision I'm glad I made, and one I had needed to make.  I was getting to a scary place.  It was too much.  It was only a matter of time before I made a major mistake, a mistake which would have not only changed the trajectory of my life, but my kid's lives too.

I remember.  Doing a self detox was terrifying and fascinating.  It took me two days but I got past it.  I had a lot of support.  I'd let a few people know I was having a problem and I needed to rectify it, but in the end, I had to do this myself.  It was the only way I was going to succeed.

I did not go through AA.  I tried initially.  More later.

Today, my head works better, a lot more like it used to.  I am healthier, I have more money, I'm more productive, I'm happier and my kids are happier.

Over the next few weeks, from now until February 3rd, I am going to share some of the more interesting thoughts I've had about drinking, the culture of drinking, drinking in America, and observations from when someone decides to become alcohol free.

Let me begin by saying this, if you are like I was, knowing you are having a problem, knowing you are drinking too much, too often, but you're afraid to give it up, for whatever the reason, look in the mirror, acknowledge you need to change, and start taking the steps.  They have to be your steps, it has to be your path.  No one is pouring the liquor down your throat.  It's you who is doing it.  Don't fall back on Thanksgiving, Christmas, football games, New Years, the times when drinking is societal and cultural, as your excuse on why you don't quit.  Get help (I have a sensational counselor, Bob), and take those first steps.  I can tell you one thing, you'll never have success on a project you don't begin.

I feel better.

Rothko

Indoor Fun Time!

Alright you win. Happy?

Heat

i like my body when it is with your

body…. which i will

again and again and again

kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,

i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz

of your electric fur…

~ e.e. cummings

I let down my silken hair over my shoulders and open my thighs over my lover….Winter skies are cold and low, with harsh winds and freezing sleet. But when we make love beneath our quilt, we make three summer months of heat. ~ Tzu Yeh

Friday Music - The Staves

The hard working lighthouse, burning bright and hard, over an empty sea.

Natural Innuendo - Conservatory version

Friday Music - L'Assassins

Friends with Tea...Happy Halloween everyone!

Autumn

If this is real, this is nuts...

Wait until the final minute.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1ZB_rGFyeU


Wow.  These guys have put out some of the most amazing music videos ever.

Heard While Doing Yard Work

Well, I do my best to understand, dear

But you still mystify and I want to know why

I pick myself up off the ground

To have you knock me back down again and again

And when I ask you to explain you say

You gotta be

Cruel to be kind in the right measure

Cruel to be kind it’s a very good sign

Cruel to be kind means that I love you
Baby, you gotta be cruel to be kind

Burning

It burned too bright, too hot, too fast...

A Sad Tale

Help me, I'm lost...

Darest Thou Now, O Soul Walt Whitman

                                     1  

Darest thou now, O Soul, 

Walk out with me toward the Unknown Region, 

Where neither ground is for the feet, nor any path to follow?                

                                     2  

No map, there, nor guide,

Nor voice sounding, nor touch of human hand, 

Nor face with blooming flesh, nor lips, nor eyes, are in that land.                

                                    

                                     3  

I know it not, O Soul; 

Nor dost thou--all is a blank before us; 

All waits, undream'd of, in that region--that inaccessible land.                

                                     4  

Till, when the ties loosen,

All but the ties eternal, Time and Space, 

Nor darkness, gravitation, sense, nor any bounds, bound us.                

                                     5  

Then we burst forth--we float, 

In Time and Space, O Soul--prepared for them; 

Equal, equipt at last--(O joy! O fruit of all!) them to fulfill, O Soul. 

Natural Graffitti

Loss

A dear friend of mine just lost her brother.  It was unexpected.  It was sudden.  He was 35.  She is devastated.

There is nothing I can say to her, or anyone, in this situation.  This was completely unexpected.  Relatively healthy man in his prime says he isn't feeling well and then he is gone.  It's not like watching someone pass away who was 98, or someone who had had a long drawn out fight with a serious illness slowly slip away.  All you can do is let them know you are there if they need you.

All my prayers, thoughts and love for you and your family, M.

Tree At My Window, by Robert Frost

Tree at my window, window tree,

My sash is lowered when night comes on;

But let there never be curtain drawn

Between you and me.

Vague dream-head lifted out of the ground,

And thing next most diffuse to cloud,

Not all your light tongues talking aloud

Could be profound.

But tree, I have seen you taken and tossed,

And if you have seen me when I slept,

You have seen me when I was taken and swept

And all but lost.

That day she put our heads together,

Fate had her imagination about her,

Your head so much concerned with outer,
Mine with inner, weather.

The Ocean is on Fire

The water laps quietly, repetitive
The ocean is on fire
The sun setting on the horizon
Reddish orange creeping below
The flat and the clouds
Igniting the reflective landscape
Transforming it; undulating
Pushing, pulling, glistening, sparkling
Wave after wave
Stoping continuance until
The last word is written
You yearn for the sunset again
To be encased in the warm burn again

Friday Music - Agent Orange

Can't overstate the importance of this band...

I don't want to know the kind of fool they'll (you) make of me!

Inertia

The shortest day of the year is not the coldest.  The worst of the cold trails, eventually getting dragged past as the days start to brighten up.

Monday

Rich red and orange flames
Perfect form, surging, undulating
Burning hot with a purpose
The fair-haired flax
Wrapping, engulfing, purging
Freeing invisible denying bonds
Rolling up mounds and spires
Across the prominent knolls
Down through the dell and gorge
Burning and healing
Filtering, cleaning
Distilling the sully
Against a smoky blue sky

Friday Music - The xx

I'm eating too much, feeling sorry for myself, wanting to say hello...

A Moral Dilemma

I want to know what you would do.

This afternoon, my sons baseball team's opponent had a player with a medical condition which limited his ability to focus. I'm not sure of his exact condition (we were informed by another family in the stands). He played right field, most of the time not paying attention to the game, his focus instead being directed to something over the right field fence, his back facing the action. The only time a ball was hit to him, he didn't seem to realize the ball was near him until after it had rolled past him.

This is not about whether or not he should have been playing baseball. I think his inclusion is commendable, a life lesson for us all.

My son's team didn't try to hit to right field, and his coaches didn't tell them to do so either.

You are playing in a competitive league, where wins and loses matter, and the teams on the field are the teams on the field. If you were the coach for a team playing against his, would you tell your players to try to hit to right field?  Would you look down on a coach who told his players to do so?  Is it fair to the kids on your team to tell them to avoid hitting it to right field?  What if you said nothing and your team just naturally started to hit it out to right?  When you know some people would be extremely critical of you, implying your team is intentionally trying to hit it to him, what would you tell to your team to do then?

Friday Music - Ana Tijoux

I see you getting smaller in my side mirror...

Creepy, but Cool

I found this abandon playground in the middle of a thick woods, in the wealthy suburbs.  I stumbled upon it when I was looking at a map for a park for one of my kids sporting events and it showed tennis courts behind the tree line behind my kids field.  There were no formal trails, so I went to explore and found hidden gold.  Creepy but cool.

The Yard

It's been a busy year
And with all of the fluster of life,
I noticed I still needed to do some work.
In my yard.

When I bought my house,
My backyard was a mess.
The previous owner had numerous dogs,
Which had destroyed the verdant display.

My reclamation project was tedious,
But successful.
What was once a grainy dirt,
Bloomed a vibrant patch, my patch
of emerald grass.

Over the years I've tended to it,
Maintained and fixed,
Weeded and treated,
Mowed and watered.
There were times where grass,
Would die off.
I would grab the seed and rake.

Now my yard features beautiful scars.
Muddy dirt tracks created by my children,
Playing with each other on warm days.
The kickball home plate,
The bullpen my son uses to practice,
Loving blemishes I dare not fix.

This year, the winter snow
Left some dead spots on the grass
Abutting the driveway.
There was also the never ending problem
Of the grass on my yard's other side
By the neighbors.
They accidentally spilled fuel one year,
Child debris from the day care kids she watches,
And when he comes back at all hours,
He usually will miss the driveway with his tires
Leaving a sad mess.

I have the time this year.
I made it a late summer priority.
With rake and seed in hand,
I took on the troubled areas,
Sowing and watering until,
The kelly turf started to sprout.

The yard, with it's new imperfections, blossoms.

More Cool Art

The owl video is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Friday Music - Ryn Weaver

The more I understand you, the bigger the mystery.

Thecla's Butterflies

Make Your Own Destiny

Wishes are alive and well, thank you.

Friday Music - Zedd ft. Hayley Williams

I love this song.  It has possibly the sexiest line ever written:

I am a Fire, Gasoline. Come pour yourself all over me.

The Harvesting of Futility

A great piece

Porn Stars vs. Devout Christians

I have a very eclectic group of friends.  In this weird, modern day world, I consider friends not only people I know face to face, but also people who I regularly hear from and/or who comment on social media.  Not everyone who I know on social media is a friend, but I would consider a third of the people I know on my social media sites (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, Google and a few others) friends.

I've learned to have a diverse group of friends.  I'll never forget my high school 20th anniversary and seeing the same exact five friends hanging out, letting everyone know their table was a private party, even though they were at a reunion.  I thought it was one of the saddest things I've ever seen.  I don't discriminate.  When someone wants to be a friend or I find someone I want to be friends with, the more different the better.  My feeling is the person who considers the Nobel Laureate, the well known celebrity and the individual who rarely visits the outside world friends has new conversations and life experiences every day.

For some reason, I have two groups of friends truly opposite of each other.  The first are Adult Entertainment industry professionals, or in more common terms, porn stars.  I remember the first one of my friends who became a stripper.  She started stripping to work her way through college but she was making high five figures.  When her boss got her a spot on a touring show which pocketed her over $200K a year, school wasn't the option anymore.  I've had four friends, all women, who've performed sex on film.  One is dead.  The friend I mentioned above moved to Miami to be part of the fledgling online version of the industry.  She got addicted to drugs and died of an overdose in 2004.

On the opposite side are the group of friends I have, seven in total, who are very Christian.  They are the ones who post scripture verses everyday and will always use one of the following words, in various forms, in all of their posts: God, Jesus, pray, bless, miracle, inspiration, heaven, scripture, Bible.  I don't mind when they do, as none of them are ever trying to put a hard sell on me.  I'm Catholic.  There are times I enjoy their posts, and their heart seems like it's in the right place.

Here is an observation about the two groups which I have recently realized.  Porn stars are very hard to become friends with, but it's easy to imagine why.  My friends are inundated with the most vile, disturbing e-mails and texts on their personas accounts.  They live in fear of one of their nut job fans finding out where they live and attacking them.  It takes a lot of time and patience to eventually work through the 'checkpoints' and become a trusted friend, but when you do, they will share everything with you.  No, we do not talk about sex in any form, but they have no problem telling you their life story, their personal struggles and even their health problems.  They so want normal friends who don't see them as adult film industry stars.

My very religious friends are pretty much the complete opposite.  They are welcoming and open from the beginning, friendly, quick to say hello and encourage their friends to friend you too.  But here is the observation I made yesterday; they get to a certain point and they never share anything else.  I don't know much about their back story, their family life, their personal struggles.  It's as if they don't ever want anyone to ever see them deeper than the religion the tout so freely.

Let me put it another way.  If my porn star friends and my Christian friends were two separate planets, the porn star planet would be covered with a 100 foot thick shell of hardened steel, almost impervious to anything.  Once you get through the shell, it's jello the rest of the way, easy to get through and enjoyable.  The Christian planet would be 100 feet of jello on the outside but then a solid  steel core the rest of the way.

One of my Christian friends informed me her cancer was back, something I didn't know was there and left already.  I asked why she would keep it so quiet when she had such a strong circle of friends to support her, and she said she didn't want to burden anyone with her problems.

Don't waste friends.  If someone is willing to come into your life and be part of it, there is a reason.  We all have the ability to pick and choose who we have in our life.  Realize that goes for the people who choose to be in your life as well.

The Siren and the Stallion

The promise of form developing.  I love sculpture.

Friday Music - X Ambassadors and Jamie N Commons/Foals

Two for you on a Friday.  The first is just fun.

Jungle

The second, I had a friend turn me on.

Cassius

It sounds like alternative from Australia from the mid 80's which kind of spun into the alternative/rock/dance music of the early 90's.  I like it.

Natural Innuendo - August Version