AA Part 2

I am hesitant to share this part of my AA journey.  I have to, I really do, as what I'm about to describe was a major contributor to my feeling AA was never going to work for me.  What happened was so bad, it actually lead me to drink very heavily for a month.

The reason I'm hesitant is because even though I never thought "what happens in AA meetings, stays in AA meetings" was a thing, some people who go to these meetings do feel as if that is the rule.  The reality is I can't tell this chapter of my story without getting specific to a point, but if the jerk hadn't done what he had done, this would've never been an issue.  I'll try to use a minimal amount of description.

After I walked away from the noon group, I decided to try to find a different Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  I'd heard all groups were different so I went back online and found a men's only group which met one night a week at a local church.  It was late September.

The night of the meeting, I went to the church but only found locked doors.  I pulled up the meeting info on my phone and it said the meeting was in the basement.  Since the church was a split level, I went around to the back and proceeded to find all the basement doors locked too.  I started to wonder if the meeting was an old one, and the website, which clearly lacked information, had also not been updated anytime recently.

I noticed a group of men behind the church, in a park.  I took a chance and approached them, asking if this was the group that met on Thursday nights.  They said yes, and I was greeted with four smiles.  The abundance of welcoming was a nice change from my pervious meetings.  The men, all over the age of 40 (like me), informed me the meeting facilitator had the key to the building and would be there soon.  We chit-chatted, nothing too serious, for about 10 minutes.  A vehicle pulled up to the back of the church and a figure got out, went to one of the back doors, opened it up and then the lights flickered on in a large room.  The five of us strolled over.

I walked into what might have been a cafeteria or soup kitchen at some point, but had been storage for at least ten years, with piles of dusty boxes stacked precariously all around.  In an open area in the center of the room was a man putting five chars in a circle.  I immediately recognized the man as the facilitator of the first AA meeting I had gone to a few weeks earlier, the noon meetings.  This guy had facilitated two of the other meetings I had with that group and clearly was deeply involved with AA, maybe even having a paid position, if there is such a thing.  I said hello, and he looked up at me surprised.  He's a younger guy, in his twenties and although his face didn't share too much emotion, he seemed friendly enough.  He quickly grabbed a sixth chair and made room for me.

The initial dynamic of this group was very different from the other groups.  We still went through the same motions of the other meetings, although it was a quicker process with a smaller group.  We went around and started talking about drinking.  These guys seemed to have a similar stories as myself, got caught up in life, used alcohol to unwind, it got out of control.  The consequences these guys had gone through were not on par with the noon group, but the sadness in their eyes as they told their stories didn't mean they weren't scarred.

Since I felt comfortable, I decided to share my story for the first time.  I began to speak, going over the strain which really was the initial catalyst for my drinking going from social to dependent.  I talked about gradually getting worse and worse, realizing I was jeopardizing my relationship with my family and my job, and admitted if I didn't get this under control, I was going to crash hard.  At least that's what I intended to say.

When I got about 30 seconds into my story, the facilitator said something I will never forget, "oh, boo-hoo."  The entire group looked up with shocked eyes at the group 'leader.' I sat in silence, trying to figure out if this guy had actually said what I thought he had said.  I stammered, "pardon me?"

"Oh, boo-hoo!  Your life got tough and you decided to become a drunk.  You think you have real problems?  The only real problem you have is you are a drunk and you are desperately trying to find someone else to blame for your drinking.  Who's forcing you to drink?  Who?  No one, you are a drunk and until you recognize that, you'll always be a drunk.  Stop making the pain worse for everyone in your world by blaming them for your failure!"

I am not a violent man, but how I did not cave in that f-ers face right then is an enigma.  I have thought a lot about what kind of person says something like that in a meeting for people seeking help.  I thought about all of the true train wrecks this guy must have to try to help council, everyday.  This was the second group I knew of.  He might be facilitating four or five other groups too.  He likely is dealing with his own addiction issues, and might be having a hard time staying focused.  He might of thought this was an effective 'tough love' exercise.  He might have just been a jackass, 20-something who thought I really didn't have a problem.  I don't know.

Through clenched teeth, I stared directly into his skull.  "Your right, it is my fault, it is my problem, these are my mistakes.  I never blamed anyone else for my problems.  I was just giving you an idea of what was my background.  I didn't think tonight was going to be me getting publicly shamed by some guy in front of a group of strangers because he thinks this is what I need."  He rolled his eyes and acted like he had lost interest in me.

As this point, in a effort to de-escalate the tension, other group members, still clearly shocked themselves by the facilitators comments, jumped in and took the good cop role.  They said it was great I was taking these first steps, this is a long journey and it was courageous to look at myself and take blame, but to no avail.  They tried desperately to give the halftime pep talk to the team down by 40 points, but everyone knew the game was long over.  They all knew I was going to walk out of that meeting and drink like there was no tomorrow, which I did.

We wrapped up the meeting and the 20-something guy, trying to validate his actions after the fact, insisted "I never meant to get personal, but I just was trying to help you see where the problem lies."  Just wanting the meeting to get over as fast as possible, I shook his hand while looking down, letting go a quickly as I could.  After the meeting, he sprinted to his car and left.  The four other members apologized profusely for his behavior.  "That wasn't right.  He was wrong to say those things. You need to help people confront the problem, but there are better ways to do it."  They all told me to hang tough and come back next Thursday.  I didn't.

I went home, swearing off of AA.  I have run into the guy twice in passing, and both times, he saw me, turned and ran.  No attempt at an apology, no asking how I was doing, just running away.  I talked to a specialized councilor a few weeks later and when I told him what happened, he asked, "younger guy who thinks he is worldly beyond his days?"  I couldn't have tagged it better myself.  The guy was a jackass.

It's crossed my mind he might be a guy who takes pleasure in others failing while he is succeeding.  Great choice to run AA meetings.

I sank into a bottle deeper and deeper...