The Toughness

I've been having a real hard time lately.  I'm getting closer to my year anniversary of quitting drinking and as I can see that finish line coming closer, the slings and arrows of addiction are just being the biggest pricks ever.

I didn't really relax during the holidays.  I did have fun, but I was super tired when everything went back to normal the first full week of January.  Jury Duty didn't help.

I live in a place that usually gets a lot of winter.  I don't mind it, heck I actually like it.  I like the change of seasons, the fresh clean of a snowfall, the briskness of cold against my face.  I really do.  What I don't like is the dark.  On the shortest day of the year, the sun doesn't even come up until around 8 and it goes down right around 4.  The darkness weighs on me, pushing down on the back of my head and on my shoulders.  It makes my mood bleak and it makes me tired.  There are a few times where I have slept like I was drunk.  I'm anti social and a bit of a jerk.  I don't like the dark.

I have been having a lot of thoughts about drinking.  Real sick and twisted thoughts about how much fun liquor is, and how one drink won't kill me.  I can almost taste the hopiness of a good beer, crush a martini soaked olive, mashing it between my teeth, feeling my flirtatious side bubble on up, encouraging it, which I play like a maestro when I'm loosened up with a drink.  It's like the addiction is throwing out all of the stops to get me to drink again before I reach my anniversary.  An evil bitch of mistress indeed.

And I'm thinking about her again.  I had actually gotten her out of my mind completely for a few months, but all of the sudden she danced back into my dreams, my subconscious welcoming her back into my mind, to waltz around my thoughts.  I keep remembering what I liked about her friendship.  I miss the smile in her voice.  I still feel the burns from her fire.

I feel like I'm going to make it to the finish line but I'm scared of getting derailed.  I feel very close to losing control of the train.  I hope the rest of the next week isn't too bumpy.