AA Part 3

Here is the next chapter in my dalliance with Alcoholics Anonymous.  So far you heard about my personal experiences with them; how through a lack of information I found myself in a group of severe addicts, a group which gave me a really skewed starting point, and how a facilitators bad day, or desire to feel superior, led to a conflict which drove me to the bottle even harder.

What happened next made me very angry at AA.  Imagine you follow a baseball team, your a big fan, but due to bad players and management, the team was letting you down, even blowing a sure win World Series.  You'd be angry, but you'd still like the team.  Then imagine something happens where the entire integrity of the game gets exposed as an obvious fraud, broken and distorted.  That's how I would describe my final straw with Alcoholics Anonymous.

My former neighbor was a really big AA advocate, even leading group meetings.  He talked me into giving the organization one more chance in late October of 2013.  I must've really started to show the outward signs of a person with a serious addiction issue, as he was over at my house numerous times over the week to encourage me to go to a Friday night meeting at one of the local mega-churches.  On a brisk November evening, I headed out.

The parking lot was huge, but already packed with cars.  I managed to find a parking spot in the fifth row from the entrance and walked to the door, where I was greeted by people who were very different than the ones I had run into at other meetings.  They looked normal, very middle class suburban-y.  They didn't look like destitute people who managed to get prone for a few minutes like my first group, and they didn't look like hollow middle aged men, or bitter twenty somethings, like my second.  They looked like business professionals, someone you'd find in your office, someone who'd help you file an insurance claim, someone at the store, a neighbor.  I said hello and walked past.

I went down a hallway and entered a huge room with what must have been 300 people in it.  I stood in the back and observed.  Towards one side of the room, in front of a stage with a podium and mike, was a large group of people just like the greeters, very normal.  This was like stumbling across a lost tribe of natives.  I was having a hard time acknowledging them being there, like a giant neon pink mohawk at a classical orchestra concert.  This group seemed very familiar with each other, mingling with big smiles and safe conversation.  It almost seemed like there were two separate groups of them, but since it was such a large crowd, I think that should be expected.

Toward the middle back of the room was a lot of solo people, mostly men who weren't talking, impatiently waiting for the meeting to begin.  In the back of the room, the people there clearly did not want to be there, likely fulfilling a legal order of some sort.  There were people foul with the stench of three day old beer, and jackasses screwing around, trying to act like they are the cool kids in class, but really only coming off as self denying, arrogant, annoying wastes.  Occasionally, two friends would come into the back, giggling to each other over a private conversation.

When the meeting came to order, the doors shut, the room got quiet, and everyone stood up and went through the meeting's opening rituals.  They said all the pre-scripted words and then started to move down their agenda.  It was at this point, the audience had a mandatory hand holding session as the facilitator led a group prayer.

AA is supposed to be non-religious.  They do meet in many churches, but that's what's available in a lot of communities.  At my first meeting in the coffee shop, I thought it was conflicted to have a group talk about how all beliefs are welcome, and then spend a lot of time really pushing Christian values.  My second group met in a church so I really didn't think too much about it when they started praying, but for some reason, it really struck me to hear this group led prayer in what was supposed to be a non-religious group.

I am Catholic, but I realize that is my faith, by my choice.  I don't believe in trying to force my beliefs on anyone else.  As I looked as this massive group of people, how many were Jewish, Muslim, Hindi, or one of the many other religions?  How many were atheists who couldn't walk out of the meeting during the religious moments?  The more I thought about it, the more it really seemed unfair to act as if you are a non-religious group to get the people into the meeting halls, some by court order, close the doors, and then lead a group prayer, at best forcing anyone who didn't agree with the religious teachings to just bow their head, quietly while refusing to hold their neighbor's hands.  AA might have started as a non-religious group, but considering the necessity to meet in churches, the lines have clearly become blurred.

The prayer ended and we got into the meeting.  I was still shaking my head at their forced religion, when the meeting facilitator said something which was subtle, but horrific in it's implication.  "Remember, if you fail, it's because you aren't following the program."  What the f---?

News Alert! - Alcohol is addictive.  If a person fails in sobering up, it's primarily because of the addictive nature of alcohol.  Alcoholism is a big burden to overcome, and it doesn't have a convenient 'how to' guide.  AA implying their way is the only way is self serving, dangerous, and just outright wrong.  This one statement exposed AA.  Just skimming past the implication that AA is trying to take the credit for everyone who successfully stops drinking, I wanted to ask, "you do realize, with that one statement, you have taken the turn from self help organization to cult; that AA is borderline abusive with that line of thinking:  'You need ME and will fail with out ME. Never forget that!!!'."  Dear Lord!

I sat in stunned silence, letting what had just been said roll back and forth across my mind.  I wanted to get away from drinking, but I sure didn't want to replace it with a group which demands allegiance to their cause.

By the time I started to pay attention again, the main guest speaker was at the podium.  He talked about his past addiction, his life, his struggles.  He desperately needed to take a public speaking course, but seemed fine, until he started in with the "you need AA in your life.  It's the only way you can get free," crap.  I made my up my mind, stood, grabbed my jacket and walked to the door.

I was greeted by a man, guessing 40's, standing in front of the door in a very intimidating fashion.  I said, "excuse me."

"Where are you going?"

At this point, I focused solely on him, making my stern face. "Out."

"Any particular reason you want to leave?"

"Yeah, I need to go to the bathroom."

"There are bathrooms right off the hall on the other side."

"Yeah, but aren't there bathrooms right outside this door?"

The guy was then joined by a woman.  She looked at him, and looked at me and said, "of course, hurry back!" The man stepped aside and let me walk past, forcing me to violate his personal space to go out the door.  I walked down the hall, looked back and saw them both watching me.  I turned and headed for the bathroom.  I went in, waited for a few minutes, came out, looked around the corner to see the door was closed again, and turned in the other direction for the doors to the parking lot.  As I crossed the vestibule to the outside doors, I heard the doors to the room open behind me.  I never looked back.  I headed to my car, got in, locked the door, and expected an Invasion of the Body Snatchers moment, where the AA members streamed out into the parking lot to search for me.  After a minute, no one came, I started the car and left for home.

I told my wife what happened afterwards, but I have never told anyone else this story before posting it now.  AA scares me.  I have one more story about AA I'll share later, but this was the last Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I attended.

After that night, I realized I needed to do this myself.  I needed to be the strong person I knew I was and break this habit.  Less than two weeks later, I self detoxed and started on my journey, a journey I will travel on my own for the rest of my life.