Sports and Booze

When you give up drinking, one of the first things you notice is how much beer and alcohol are advertised.  It's a shocking amount.  On most sporting events, at least half of the ads are for beer, liquor or restaurants who serve copious amounts of both.

Sports and booze are long time allies.  Ever since the beginnings of baseball, the oldest of the popular commoner viewing draws, owners of teams realized if you sold beer at games, you could make a mint.  When the first sports were broadcast on the fledgling radio networks of yore, alcohol and smokes were amongst the earliest of sponsors, and with player, coach, and announcer endorsement deals, it's really hard today to see where the sports line ends and the encouraged drinking line begins.

Beer particularly has an extremely cozy relationship with sports in all of it's viewed/listened to forms.   If you watch many of today's ads, you will see an association; beer equates with being "a good fan," "helping your team get the win," or "the only way to celebrate a victory."  It's very blatant.  "If you want to support your team, or if you want your team to win, you need to drink!"  And the imagery of how much you should drink is distorted by the insistence, "every time I buy a round, my team starts to win."

Even when the sport is left out of the message of the liquor ad (still played during the game, mind you), beer, wine and liquor are portrayed as the only way "real men" celebrate.  "Are you a lonely loser, out of shape with no chance of getting a girlfriend anytime soon?  Well, knock back a shot of this tequila, grab a party cooler of a specific type of beer, or chill this kind of wine and men will look up to you and women will be putty in your hands."  Watch the ads yourself.  Many of them have that exact theme.

What is scary is the way the sports leagues and the liquor advertisers clearly don't care about being a safe and responsible drinker anymore.  Their message is the same; drink, drink, drink!  They know if people think they can enjoy a sport without being drunk as a skunk, they might not get that 9th beer, or 5th shot.  They might decide to not get that 3rd pitcher, or crack open that 4th bottle of wine.  The liquor industry can't have that, so "keep drinking!"

Even the lame excuse of corporate morality, the "remember: don't drink and drive" message at the end of beer and liquor ads was deemed too much of a drinking buzzkill.  Now, you get such pithy statements as, "great beer, great responsibility." What the F- does that mean?  Why don't they say, "for God's sake, do not drink too much and get behind the wheel of a car."  The reason is they don't care.  The liquor industry doesn't care about stopping drinking and driving, as long as they get their money.  They'll feign intolerance and being pro upstanding individual, all while hiding behind the argument, "we're just the liquor industry.  We can't be held accountable when someone, after we tell them to drink, drink, drink, after we tell them it's the only way to be a 'real' man, after we tell them they will no longer be wanting for companionship if you drink our product, and after we tell them you really don't support your favorite team unless you drink more of our product, over and over and over again, plows into a minivan, drunk, and kills three kids.  That was them, not us!  We just want everyone to be shnockered all of the time without acknowledging the consequences of encouraging such reckless behavior."

Two final thoughts.  1) The liquor industry is so powerful, they no longer allow for any public criticism of their product, outside of a church.  2) No other addictive product in the world could ever get away with marketing themselves to the masses, especially kids, like beer/liquor does.

Sex and My Life

As I was putting away the Christmas Cards (I keep them, every year.  I think it's fun to go back and look at them every once in a while.), it crossed my mind I've slept with some of the people I've received them from.  A few of my friends have slept with me, and yet we've remained friends.

I have know these women in a very intimate way, as they've known me.  We've seen each other naked, and I know what sounds they make when they orgasm.  Now I get Christmas cards from them.  I love them for the help they gave me, to become the man I am today.  I wouldn't be the person I am without each and every one of them.  They mean a lot to me and I don't want to ever let them go.  I'll never revisit those passions, but they were the fire which kept my train going down the track at certain points.

This brings up something which is helping me get through January.  Every one to two years, I go through a stretch of time where I garner a lot of interest from the opposite sex.  It's not like the world has become a porno, or even there's anything more than intense flirting, but it is something.  It's not intentional, although I am a flirt, a horrible one at times too.  It's more unusual, a pointed interest.  It'd be easy to say I'm wearing a popular cologne or my hair looks good (it never does, what's left of it).  It's a sharp contrast from most days where I just go through life and lead a very normal, ignored existence.

I really don't want to play this up like I'm some Don Juan, but I know when someone is flirting with me, and to have it come at me in a wave is...smile inducing.  A friend of mine, after giving me a ton of crap about it, felt as if it's a confidence thing people can sense.  I'm not sure.  He shut up after watching it happen himself.

This is the first time it has happened since I gave up the drinking, and I can say unequivocally I'm not intentionally flirting.  Really I'm not.  I'm in no mood to wander foreign fields, or fulfill a role in an unfulfilled life.  It's not that I don't appreciate it, (it makes me blush), but it's not what I need in my life right now.

Trust me, when I make the decision to move forward with someone, my intentions are clear.  Now, if I could only do something about the cold feet...

The Toughness

I've been having a real hard time lately.  I'm getting closer to my year anniversary of quitting drinking and as I can see that finish line coming closer, the slings and arrows of addiction are just being the biggest pricks ever.

I didn't really relax during the holidays.  I did have fun, but I was super tired when everything went back to normal the first full week of January.  Jury Duty didn't help.

I live in a place that usually gets a lot of winter.  I don't mind it, heck I actually like it.  I like the change of seasons, the fresh clean of a snowfall, the briskness of cold against my face.  I really do.  What I don't like is the dark.  On the shortest day of the year, the sun doesn't even come up until around 8 and it goes down right around 4.  The darkness weighs on me, pushing down on the back of my head and on my shoulders.  It makes my mood bleak and it makes me tired.  There are a few times where I have slept like I was drunk.  I'm anti social and a bit of a jerk.  I don't like the dark.

I have been having a lot of thoughts about drinking.  Real sick and twisted thoughts about how much fun liquor is, and how one drink won't kill me.  I can almost taste the hopiness of a good beer, crush a martini soaked olive, mashing it between my teeth, feeling my flirtatious side bubble on up, encouraging it, which I play like a maestro when I'm loosened up with a drink.  It's like the addiction is throwing out all of the stops to get me to drink again before I reach my anniversary.  An evil bitch of mistress indeed.

And I'm thinking about her again.  I had actually gotten her out of my mind completely for a few months, but all of the sudden she danced back into my dreams, my subconscious welcoming her back into my mind, to waltz around my thoughts.  I keep remembering what I liked about her friendship.  I miss the smile in her voice.  I still feel the burns from her fire.

I feel like I'm going to make it to the finish line but I'm scared of getting derailed.  I feel very close to losing control of the train.  I hope the rest of the next week isn't too bumpy.

Friday Music - Five Knives

Music to come crashing down to earth with...

Yearning...

Two Thoughts

Two thoughts about drinking.

Part of the reason I was drinking more and more was my venue for drinking.  I wasn't going out to the bar/club anymore.  It wasn't me going out with my friends.  Due to my kids, I was home most of the time and hence my drinking was concealed within the walls of my house.  You have to plan a night out.  Am I driving or not?  How long am I going to be at a certain place before going to another place?  When I was going out to drink, you always had "drinks too much" guy to be your warning system on when to pull back.  The guy who was drunk by 9 every time you went out.  That guy kept you based in reality, not drinking too much.  Also, drinks in the bar are pricey.  You didn't drink as much because it cost a lot more than getting a bottle at a local liquor store.  I'm not saying going out and drinking is the way to go.  I have had too many friend's marriages end up destroyed after a regular girl's night or guy's night out, and I'm also not trying to convince myself I'll be fine to start drinking again by going to the bar instead of at home.  No, I am done, but it's just an observation.

I wonder how many people are overweight because of liquor/beer.  When I gave up alcohol last year, I lost a lot of weight.  Even though today I have a few more pounds on me, and even though I still eat some "bad for me" food, it's amazing how much easier it is to lose weight without drinking.  Just getting back into the gym after Christmas, I've gotten thinner faster, even cut on certain muscle groups, something which took me months before.  With football games on and people chugging beer, wine and cocktails across the country, my feeling is the biggest culprit in regards to individual weight issues is alcohol.

Friday Music - Nina Yasmineh

When it rains for me, it pours, but I love the rain. She's very nice...

AA Part 3

Here is the next chapter in my dalliance with Alcoholics Anonymous.  So far you heard about my personal experiences with them; how through a lack of information I found myself in a group of severe addicts, a group which gave me a really skewed starting point, and how a facilitators bad day, or desire to feel superior, led to a conflict which drove me to the bottle even harder.

What happened next made me very angry at AA.  Imagine you follow a baseball team, your a big fan, but due to bad players and management, the team was letting you down, even blowing a sure win World Series.  You'd be angry, but you'd still like the team.  Then imagine something happens where the entire integrity of the game gets exposed as an obvious fraud, broken and distorted.  That's how I would describe my final straw with Alcoholics Anonymous.

My former neighbor was a really big AA advocate, even leading group meetings.  He talked me into giving the organization one more chance in late October of 2013.  I must've really started to show the outward signs of a person with a serious addiction issue, as he was over at my house numerous times over the week to encourage me to go to a Friday night meeting at one of the local mega-churches.  On a brisk November evening, I headed out.

The parking lot was huge, but already packed with cars.  I managed to find a parking spot in the fifth row from the entrance and walked to the door, where I was greeted by people who were very different than the ones I had run into at other meetings.  They looked normal, very middle class suburban-y.  They didn't look like destitute people who managed to get prone for a few minutes like my first group, and they didn't look like hollow middle aged men, or bitter twenty somethings, like my second.  They looked like business professionals, someone you'd find in your office, someone who'd help you file an insurance claim, someone at the store, a neighbor.  I said hello and walked past.

I went down a hallway and entered a huge room with what must have been 300 people in it.  I stood in the back and observed.  Towards one side of the room, in front of a stage with a podium and mike, was a large group of people just like the greeters, very normal.  This was like stumbling across a lost tribe of natives.  I was having a hard time acknowledging them being there, like a giant neon pink mohawk at a classical orchestra concert.  This group seemed very familiar with each other, mingling with big smiles and safe conversation.  It almost seemed like there were two separate groups of them, but since it was such a large crowd, I think that should be expected.

Toward the middle back of the room was a lot of solo people, mostly men who weren't talking, impatiently waiting for the meeting to begin.  In the back of the room, the people there clearly did not want to be there, likely fulfilling a legal order of some sort.  There were people foul with the stench of three day old beer, and jackasses screwing around, trying to act like they are the cool kids in class, but really only coming off as self denying, arrogant, annoying wastes.  Occasionally, two friends would come into the back, giggling to each other over a private conversation.

When the meeting came to order, the doors shut, the room got quiet, and everyone stood up and went through the meeting's opening rituals.  They said all the pre-scripted words and then started to move down their agenda.  It was at this point, the audience had a mandatory hand holding session as the facilitator led a group prayer.

AA is supposed to be non-religious.  They do meet in many churches, but that's what's available in a lot of communities.  At my first meeting in the coffee shop, I thought it was conflicted to have a group talk about how all beliefs are welcome, and then spend a lot of time really pushing Christian values.  My second group met in a church so I really didn't think too much about it when they started praying, but for some reason, it really struck me to hear this group led prayer in what was supposed to be a non-religious group.

I am Catholic, but I realize that is my faith, by my choice.  I don't believe in trying to force my beliefs on anyone else.  As I looked as this massive group of people, how many were Jewish, Muslim, Hindi, or one of the many other religions?  How many were atheists who couldn't walk out of the meeting during the religious moments?  The more I thought about it, the more it really seemed unfair to act as if you are a non-religious group to get the people into the meeting halls, some by court order, close the doors, and then lead a group prayer, at best forcing anyone who didn't agree with the religious teachings to just bow their head, quietly while refusing to hold their neighbor's hands.  AA might have started as a non-religious group, but considering the necessity to meet in churches, the lines have clearly become blurred.

The prayer ended and we got into the meeting.  I was still shaking my head at their forced religion, when the meeting facilitator said something which was subtle, but horrific in it's implication.  "Remember, if you fail, it's because you aren't following the program."  What the f---?

News Alert! - Alcohol is addictive.  If a person fails in sobering up, it's primarily because of the addictive nature of alcohol.  Alcoholism is a big burden to overcome, and it doesn't have a convenient 'how to' guide.  AA implying their way is the only way is self serving, dangerous, and just outright wrong.  This one statement exposed AA.  Just skimming past the implication that AA is trying to take the credit for everyone who successfully stops drinking, I wanted to ask, "you do realize, with that one statement, you have taken the turn from self help organization to cult; that AA is borderline abusive with that line of thinking:  'You need ME and will fail with out ME. Never forget that!!!'."  Dear Lord!

I sat in stunned silence, letting what had just been said roll back and forth across my mind.  I wanted to get away from drinking, but I sure didn't want to replace it with a group which demands allegiance to their cause.

By the time I started to pay attention again, the main guest speaker was at the podium.  He talked about his past addiction, his life, his struggles.  He desperately needed to take a public speaking course, but seemed fine, until he started in with the "you need AA in your life.  It's the only way you can get free," crap.  I made my up my mind, stood, grabbed my jacket and walked to the door.

I was greeted by a man, guessing 40's, standing in front of the door in a very intimidating fashion.  I said, "excuse me."

"Where are you going?"

At this point, I focused solely on him, making my stern face. "Out."

"Any particular reason you want to leave?"

"Yeah, I need to go to the bathroom."

"There are bathrooms right off the hall on the other side."

"Yeah, but aren't there bathrooms right outside this door?"

The guy was then joined by a woman.  She looked at him, and looked at me and said, "of course, hurry back!" The man stepped aside and let me walk past, forcing me to violate his personal space to go out the door.  I walked down the hall, looked back and saw them both watching me.  I turned and headed for the bathroom.  I went in, waited for a few minutes, came out, looked around the corner to see the door was closed again, and turned in the other direction for the doors to the parking lot.  As I crossed the vestibule to the outside doors, I heard the doors to the room open behind me.  I never looked back.  I headed to my car, got in, locked the door, and expected an Invasion of the Body Snatchers moment, where the AA members streamed out into the parking lot to search for me.  After a minute, no one came, I started the car and left for home.

I told my wife what happened afterwards, but I have never told anyone else this story before posting it now.  AA scares me.  I have one more story about AA I'll share later, but this was the last Alcoholics Anonymous meeting I attended.

After that night, I realized I needed to do this myself.  I needed to be the strong person I knew I was and break this habit.  Less than two weeks later, I self detoxed and started on my journey, a journey I will travel on my own for the rest of my life.

Deep Breath In...

This weekend was amazing.  Not only did I have a ton of fun with someone very special and dear to me, we managed to get over a few hiccups that might have derailed a special closeness in the past and we came out satisfied on the other side.

I also excised a ghost or two from my past.  I have always heard the adage, "when you are in your darkest times, you'll always find a spark of light."  Over the last year and a half, this spark has grown bigger and bigger in my life, making my life brighter and warmer.  I could have never dreamed the weird path my life has taken in the last few years.

Three weeks and one day until my one year anniversary...

happy

And then she sang,
And then she sang to me
her voice wrapped around me
as she sang to me.
my body was lifted by the love in my heart
and I ran my fingers through
her deep chestnut hair
and I pulled her lips to mine
to taste the sweet song

Friday Music - Guster

The perfect modern pop song...reminds me of being there, blonde and all...

Persective

I have come across interesting outcomes when telling someone you have quit drinking.

If you tell them, "you know, I was just drinking too much, it was harder and harder to put the bottle down, my life was spiraling out of control," the reaction you will get is more akin to telling someone you have inoperable cancer.  They either get solemn expressions, studying your face with a grim tide, and looking for answers to what happened to you, or they look down and away, desperately trying to find a reason to leave.  Usually, the latter group of people are not going to be part of your life in the future, as you have become persona non grata, an outcast who they never want near, for the potential of you putting a harsh on their drinking vibe.

If you tell them, "hey, I decided to just get healthy and stop drinking, it was empty calories and I wasn't getting enjoyment from it anymore, so I quit," the response is completely different.  Women will say, "wow that's great," usually giving you a flirtatious smile with the encouragement.  Men will say, "that's cool.  How did you pull it off?" like I am talking about the latest diet/exercise fad.  But in a funny observation of human reaction, some will also lower their head and turn away, uncomfortably, just like the friends in the first scenario, the ones who will avoid you, afraid of getting their like of drink on you.  It's as if they have discovered I'm an alien in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  "You can't be a normal human and not drink!"

I'm not trying to drive friends away or have deep heartfelt conversations every time I tell someone I have quit drinking, so I usually go with the second explanation.

What people want to feel like when they give up drinking is human.  They don't want to feel like they have a serious illness, or are a pariah within the culture.  They want support, but not the kind which is trying to walk on egg-shells around them.

If it's hard for you to be around people who are not drinking, what does that really say about you?

The Sculpture and the Form

The Plunge

She stood at the edge,
Tingling of expectation,
Looking upon her task ahead.
The river below was wider than she was used to,
But at this one particular bend,
It was deep.  It looked protected.
She wore her favorite skintight one piece,
Hair pulled back,
Anticipating the exhilaration,
Wrapped in palatable fear.

She had researched this challenge, online,
Weighing the pros and cons,
Of each potential plummet.
She eventually settled on this milieu.
It looked welcoming, tamable,
With enough risk to satisfy her darker fringe,
Without putting her in real danger.
But now, as she looked at her undertaking closely,
A silhouette of misgiving, a heaviness inside her,
But an unquenchable desire, prevailing.

She felt warm, not from golden rays on a deep cerulean sky;
She was flushed, fervently.
A deep gasp, inhaling before the dive,
And she pushed herself downward off the verge,
A hegemonic fall, breaking the surface,
Feeling every inch of the space inhabited,
As she journeyed deeper, further,
Hitting the bottom, finding her push posture,
And muscularly, powerfully thrusting back upwards,
Taking a deep breath as she broke the surface.