AA Part 4

On the Eve of my first anniversary of sobriety, let me finish out the Alcoholics Anonymous story.

So I was done with the AA meetings (read parts 1-3 for why), but a surprise happened.  One of the guys from the meeting where I got yelled at contacted me around the beginning of October 2013.  His name was Bob (not his real name) and he initially called to check on how I was doing afterwards.  Bob is a big proponent of AA, having bought into the system multiple times.  He said bluntly, in regards to the group facilitator who was a jerk, "that guy was way out of bounds and we've talked to him about his behavior."  He asked if I might be willing to return to the meeting and I declined.  He then offered to meet me for coffee.  I told him initially no, but after the final AA meeting debacle (AA part 3), I decided to take him up on it.  My theory was he might be willing to meet with me one on one, which might be the better path for me.

We met at a local coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon and we ended up having a very pleasant conversation.  We really didn't talk too much about what had happened at the meeting.  He spent most of the time giving me a pep talk, focusing on my addiction and telling me I could pull it off.  Outside of my neighbor, it was the first time I had felt anything positive about AA, a feeling that someone really cared and wanted me to get better.  He had figured out what industry I worked in.  I was caught off guard by it, until he informed me he worked in the same industry for years.  We swapped "war stories" and were really hitting it off, but then two different things happened which would eventually end any blossoming friendship.

The first was something I had told to me by a few others, but for some reason, in a Caribou Coffee on a cool Fall weekend, it really sank in this time.  Bob talked about how he had fallen off the wagon years after he had first given up drinking.  He'd been sober for seven years when he decided to have a drink.  This is actually very common, as many alcoholics will go through this at least once.  After years of an alcohol free life, you convince yourself to have one drink. "It won't kill me!" You fall.

It was interesting to hear him talk about it.  When you fall off the wagon, you never go back to sipping a cognac or savoring a nice wine.  You go back to the same level of guzzling you were at on the day you quit.  I have yet to hear of anyone not going back to the worst levels almost immediately after falling off the wagon, regardless of when they quit.  It's a scary reality.

What caught me off guard was how he said it.  I know he was trying to relay it in an "acknowledge the reality" way, but it really came off in a "doom and gloom/abandon hope all ye who enter" way.  His face was ashen and withdrawn, like someone had taken away part of his internal self.  He didn't look friendly anymore.  He looked wounded and threatening.

The more I thought about that, in conjunction with the cult like status of my last AA meeting, I wondered if this was part of the control.  Never make the addict feel like they can ever be safe.  Make sure they always know failure is right around the corner, at all times.  And like an abusive relationship, when you do fall off the wagon, they're there to welcome you back and be your friend, your only friend.  It gave me shivers.

Bob quickly shook off the scary story and returned to his warm and welcoming self.  He then tried to get me to give AA another chance.  I said no.  He said, "I'll be your sponsor and we can go through this together."  I told him my concerns about the program and how I was not ready to give them another chance.  He told me to think it over.

We finished our drinks (mine with whipped cream and a carmel drizzle.  Don't judge me) and got up to go.  On the way out, he gave me his card and told me to call anytime I needed to talk.  He also encouraged me to rethink AA.  I said thanks and went home.

A few weeks later, around Thanksgiving, I called him and got his voicemail.  I said thanks for meeting, informed him I had given up (for the first time), and would love to talk again.  He quickly called back and we chatted.  He offered support for my quitting, asking how it was going, then asked about where I was with Alcoholics Anonymous.  I said I was not ready to give them another chance yet.  He informed me he couldn't meet that week, but maybe the next week after.  I called back and left him a message.  I got a voicemail a few days later, stating he was busy and sorry he hadn't gotten back.  He specifically said to call right away if I was interested in AA, but nothing else.  I left two more messages about meeting, but my phone never rang.

Here's where this gets f-ed up.  If you've followed my story, you know I fell off the wagon twice, once around Christmas 2013 and once in late January 2014.  When around mid-December, 2013, when I realized I was in trouble, and the tendrils of addiction were wrapping around me again and starting to pull me back under, I called Bob and left a message.  I said I was really having a hard time, how I wanted a drink, how I felt close to failing.  He never called back.  I called the next day, and the next.  Leaving more messages for him.  Nothing.  I don't want to make it sound like he was the only person I was trying to get help from, but his rebuke was stinging.

When I got sober again in early January, I called and left him another message.  Nothing.  A week later, I tried one last time and he picked up with the regret of someone who hit the talk button before they saw the caller ID.  He said, "Oh hi.  How's it going?"  I gave him the run down, trying to be positive.  He said, he'd gotten my messages, but it was the holidays and he was really busy.  He then asked if I was ready to give AA another chance.  I said no.  He very abruptly said, "I have to go," and he hung up.

When I was on the verge of falling off the wagon for the second time, I thought about calling him, but never did.  His concern about a fellow alcoholic seemed to end when I refused to pledge allegiance to AA.  I'd had enough of the jerks, lies and manipulation which made up my AA experience.  I will never go to another meeting.  If it works for you, all my best, but I don't think anyone can read what happened to me and feel as if I didn't give them a fair chance.  I don't think anyone can read what happened to me and feel as if AA was helpful in any capacity.

I did this without them.  I'm happy too.