Saturday, February 28, 2015
Friday, February 27, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Robert Frost - Reluctance
Out through the fields and the woods
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world, and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.
The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.
And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question ‘Whither?’
Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world, and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.
The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.
And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question ‘Whither?’
Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?
Friday, February 20, 2015
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Friday, February 6, 2015
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
One Year
Today marks the year anniversary of my quitting drinking, hopefully the first of many. YEA!
I am happy, but I don't feel like celebrating. This was me just getting back to who I really am. I'll celebrate at my five year anniversary, God willing.
I do take communion wine at church. Not a lot. Funny thing is I freak out if I feel like I've taken too much (usually just a glorified sip). I don't want to get to the point where I'm knocking back the entire challis of the 'blood of Christ.' My counselor thinks it's okay to have wine as part of a religious service.
What has gotten me through this?
First friends and family. I've only let a handful know what was going on and they have been wonderful.
A trifecta of exercise, personal faith and counseling.
Realizing what a different person I had become and never wanting to revisit it.
What are some of the differences?
I am clearly healthier. My blood pressure is back down to normal, I can breath again, I have a lot more energy and my liver and kidneys have got to be doing gratitude back flips.
It took about 8 months, but the residual effects of the drinking, feeling like I was recovering from a hangover, have disappeared. After the first month, it was never constant, but it took another seven moths to get that completely out of my system.
I've lost a lot of weight.
I'm not slurring my speech nearly as much as I used to. I also am not drunk sleeping hard like I used to.
My dreams have returned. Since it was gradual, I didn't know how muted my dreams had become. They are very vibrant now, the difference of looking at a old black and white TV from the 50's to a high def one today.
My mind is working a lot better. I'm not forgetting things like I used to, my deductive reasoning is as sharp as ever and I'm able to analyze much quicker and more effectively.
My emotions are re-balanced. It's no longer happy 95% of the time and angry 5%. It's more even keeled, and more diverse.
My kids are a lot happier. My wife is a lot happier. I am a lot happier.
I am terrified of falling back into the drink, but that fear has been a good fuel to keep me on the straight and narrow, so let me embrace it and hope my fear will prevent me from making a bad choice. Most people didn't realize I was a drunk because it gradually got worse and worse, going under the radar for many years. Today, if I were to resume on my drinking of old, you'd immediately realize something was wrong with me.
I never want to go back, but I still occasionally crave the whiskey. That's f-ed up, but it is my life I've made for myself and it'll be the one I live, sober.
Thanks for reading these posts the last few months. I've said before and I'll say again, this has been a wonderful outlet and I really appreciate it. Thank you.
I am happy, but I don't feel like celebrating. This was me just getting back to who I really am. I'll celebrate at my five year anniversary, God willing.
I do take communion wine at church. Not a lot. Funny thing is I freak out if I feel like I've taken too much (usually just a glorified sip). I don't want to get to the point where I'm knocking back the entire challis of the 'blood of Christ.' My counselor thinks it's okay to have wine as part of a religious service.
What has gotten me through this?
First friends and family. I've only let a handful know what was going on and they have been wonderful.
A trifecta of exercise, personal faith and counseling.
Realizing what a different person I had become and never wanting to revisit it.
What are some of the differences?
I am clearly healthier. My blood pressure is back down to normal, I can breath again, I have a lot more energy and my liver and kidneys have got to be doing gratitude back flips.
It took about 8 months, but the residual effects of the drinking, feeling like I was recovering from a hangover, have disappeared. After the first month, it was never constant, but it took another seven moths to get that completely out of my system.
I've lost a lot of weight.
I'm not slurring my speech nearly as much as I used to. I also am not drunk sleeping hard like I used to.
My dreams have returned. Since it was gradual, I didn't know how muted my dreams had become. They are very vibrant now, the difference of looking at a old black and white TV from the 50's to a high def one today.
My mind is working a lot better. I'm not forgetting things like I used to, my deductive reasoning is as sharp as ever and I'm able to analyze much quicker and more effectively.
My emotions are re-balanced. It's no longer happy 95% of the time and angry 5%. It's more even keeled, and more diverse.
My kids are a lot happier. My wife is a lot happier. I am a lot happier.
I am terrified of falling back into the drink, but that fear has been a good fuel to keep me on the straight and narrow, so let me embrace it and hope my fear will prevent me from making a bad choice. Most people didn't realize I was a drunk because it gradually got worse and worse, going under the radar for many years. Today, if I were to resume on my drinking of old, you'd immediately realize something was wrong with me.
I never want to go back, but I still occasionally crave the whiskey. That's f-ed up, but it is my life I've made for myself and it'll be the one I live, sober.
Thanks for reading these posts the last few months. I've said before and I'll say again, this has been a wonderful outlet and I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Monday, February 2, 2015
AA Part 4
On the Eve of my first anniversary of sobriety, let me finish out the Alcoholics Anonymous story.
So I was done with the AA meetings (read parts 1-3 for why), but a surprise happened. One of the guys from the meeting where I got yelled at contacted me around the beginning of October 2013. His name was Bob (not his real name) and he initially called to check on how I was doing afterwards. Bob is a big proponent of AA, having bought into the system multiple times. He said bluntly, in regards to the group facilitator who was a jerk, "that guy was way out of bounds and we've talked to him about his behavior." He asked if I might be willing to return to the meeting and I declined. He then offered to meet me for coffee. I told him initially no, but after the final AA meeting debacle (AA part 3), I decided to take him up on it. My theory was he might be willing to meet with me one on one, which might be the better path for me.
We met at a local coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon and we ended up having a very pleasant conversation. We really didn't talk too much about what had happened at the meeting. He spent most of the time giving me a pep talk, focusing on my addiction and telling me I could pull it off. Outside of my neighbor, it was the first time I had felt anything positive about AA, a feeling that someone really cared and wanted me to get better. He had figured out what industry I worked in. I was caught off guard by it, until he informed me he worked in the same industry for years. We swapped "war stories" and were really hitting it off, but then two different things happened which would eventually end any blossoming friendship.
The first was something I had told to me by a few others, but for some reason, in a Caribou Coffee on a cool Fall weekend, it really sank in this time. Bob talked about how he had fallen off the wagon years after he had first given up drinking. He'd been sober for seven years when he decided to have a drink. This is actually very common, as many alcoholics will go through this at least once. After years of an alcohol free life, you convince yourself to have one drink. "It won't kill me!" You fall.
It was interesting to hear him talk about it. When you fall off the wagon, you never go back to sipping a cognac or savoring a nice wine. You go back to the same level of guzzling you were at on the day you quit. I have yet to hear of anyone not going back to the worst levels almost immediately after falling off the wagon, regardless of when they quit. It's a scary reality.
What caught me off guard was how he said it. I know he was trying to relay it in an "acknowledge the reality" way, but it really came off in a "doom and gloom/abandon hope all ye who enter" way. His face was ashen and withdrawn, like someone had taken away part of his internal self. He didn't look friendly anymore. He looked wounded and threatening.
The more I thought about that, in conjunction with the cult like status of my last AA meeting, I wondered if this was part of the control. Never make the addict feel like they can ever be safe. Make sure they always know failure is right around the corner, at all times. And like an abusive relationship, when you do fall off the wagon, they're there to welcome you back and be your friend, your only friend. It gave me shivers.
Bob quickly shook off the scary story and returned to his warm and welcoming self. He then tried to get me to give AA another chance. I said no. He said, "I'll be your sponsor and we can go through this together." I told him my concerns about the program and how I was not ready to give them another chance. He told me to think it over.
We finished our drinks (mine with whipped cream and a carmel drizzle. Don't judge me) and got up to go. On the way out, he gave me his card and told me to call anytime I needed to talk. He also encouraged me to rethink AA. I said thanks and went home.
A few weeks later, around Thanksgiving, I called him and got his voicemail. I said thanks for meeting, informed him I had given up (for the first time), and would love to talk again. He quickly called back and we chatted. He offered support for my quitting, asking how it was going, then asked about where I was with Alcoholics Anonymous. I said I was not ready to give them another chance yet. He informed me he couldn't meet that week, but maybe the next week after. I called back and left him a message. I got a voicemail a few days later, stating he was busy and sorry he hadn't gotten back. He specifically said to call right away if I was interested in AA, but nothing else. I left two more messages about meeting, but my phone never rang.
Here's where this gets f-ed up. If you've followed my story, you know I fell off the wagon twice, once around Christmas 2013 and once in late January 2014. When around mid-December, 2013, when I realized I was in trouble, and the tendrils of addiction were wrapping around me again and starting to pull me back under, I called Bob and left a message. I said I was really having a hard time, how I wanted a drink, how I felt close to failing. He never called back. I called the next day, and the next. Leaving more messages for him. Nothing. I don't want to make it sound like he was the only person I was trying to get help from, but his rebuke was stinging.
When I got sober again in early January, I called and left him another message. Nothing. A week later, I tried one last time and he picked up with the regret of someone who hit the talk button before they saw the caller ID. He said, "Oh hi. How's it going?" I gave him the run down, trying to be positive. He said, he'd gotten my messages, but it was the holidays and he was really busy. He then asked if I was ready to give AA another chance. I said no. He very abruptly said, "I have to go," and he hung up.
When I was on the verge of falling off the wagon for the second time, I thought about calling him, but never did. His concern about a fellow alcoholic seemed to end when I refused to pledge allegiance to AA. I'd had enough of the jerks, lies and manipulation which made up my AA experience. I will never go to another meeting. If it works for you, all my best, but I don't think anyone can read what happened to me and feel as if I didn't give them a fair chance. I don't think anyone can read what happened to me and feel as if AA was helpful in any capacity.
I did this without them. I'm happy too.
So I was done with the AA meetings (read parts 1-3 for why), but a surprise happened. One of the guys from the meeting where I got yelled at contacted me around the beginning of October 2013. His name was Bob (not his real name) and he initially called to check on how I was doing afterwards. Bob is a big proponent of AA, having bought into the system multiple times. He said bluntly, in regards to the group facilitator who was a jerk, "that guy was way out of bounds and we've talked to him about his behavior." He asked if I might be willing to return to the meeting and I declined. He then offered to meet me for coffee. I told him initially no, but after the final AA meeting debacle (AA part 3), I decided to take him up on it. My theory was he might be willing to meet with me one on one, which might be the better path for me.
We met at a local coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon and we ended up having a very pleasant conversation. We really didn't talk too much about what had happened at the meeting. He spent most of the time giving me a pep talk, focusing on my addiction and telling me I could pull it off. Outside of my neighbor, it was the first time I had felt anything positive about AA, a feeling that someone really cared and wanted me to get better. He had figured out what industry I worked in. I was caught off guard by it, until he informed me he worked in the same industry for years. We swapped "war stories" and were really hitting it off, but then two different things happened which would eventually end any blossoming friendship.
The first was something I had told to me by a few others, but for some reason, in a Caribou Coffee on a cool Fall weekend, it really sank in this time. Bob talked about how he had fallen off the wagon years after he had first given up drinking. He'd been sober for seven years when he decided to have a drink. This is actually very common, as many alcoholics will go through this at least once. After years of an alcohol free life, you convince yourself to have one drink. "It won't kill me!" You fall.
It was interesting to hear him talk about it. When you fall off the wagon, you never go back to sipping a cognac or savoring a nice wine. You go back to the same level of guzzling you were at on the day you quit. I have yet to hear of anyone not going back to the worst levels almost immediately after falling off the wagon, regardless of when they quit. It's a scary reality.
What caught me off guard was how he said it. I know he was trying to relay it in an "acknowledge the reality" way, but it really came off in a "doom and gloom/abandon hope all ye who enter" way. His face was ashen and withdrawn, like someone had taken away part of his internal self. He didn't look friendly anymore. He looked wounded and threatening.
The more I thought about that, in conjunction with the cult like status of my last AA meeting, I wondered if this was part of the control. Never make the addict feel like they can ever be safe. Make sure they always know failure is right around the corner, at all times. And like an abusive relationship, when you do fall off the wagon, they're there to welcome you back and be your friend, your only friend. It gave me shivers.
Bob quickly shook off the scary story and returned to his warm and welcoming self. He then tried to get me to give AA another chance. I said no. He said, "I'll be your sponsor and we can go through this together." I told him my concerns about the program and how I was not ready to give them another chance. He told me to think it over.
We finished our drinks (mine with whipped cream and a carmel drizzle. Don't judge me) and got up to go. On the way out, he gave me his card and told me to call anytime I needed to talk. He also encouraged me to rethink AA. I said thanks and went home.
A few weeks later, around Thanksgiving, I called him and got his voicemail. I said thanks for meeting, informed him I had given up (for the first time), and would love to talk again. He quickly called back and we chatted. He offered support for my quitting, asking how it was going, then asked about where I was with Alcoholics Anonymous. I said I was not ready to give them another chance yet. He informed me he couldn't meet that week, but maybe the next week after. I called back and left him a message. I got a voicemail a few days later, stating he was busy and sorry he hadn't gotten back. He specifically said to call right away if I was interested in AA, but nothing else. I left two more messages about meeting, but my phone never rang.
Here's where this gets f-ed up. If you've followed my story, you know I fell off the wagon twice, once around Christmas 2013 and once in late January 2014. When around mid-December, 2013, when I realized I was in trouble, and the tendrils of addiction were wrapping around me again and starting to pull me back under, I called Bob and left a message. I said I was really having a hard time, how I wanted a drink, how I felt close to failing. He never called back. I called the next day, and the next. Leaving more messages for him. Nothing. I don't want to make it sound like he was the only person I was trying to get help from, but his rebuke was stinging.
When I got sober again in early January, I called and left him another message. Nothing. A week later, I tried one last time and he picked up with the regret of someone who hit the talk button before they saw the caller ID. He said, "Oh hi. How's it going?" I gave him the run down, trying to be positive. He said, he'd gotten my messages, but it was the holidays and he was really busy. He then asked if I was ready to give AA another chance. I said no. He very abruptly said, "I have to go," and he hung up.
When I was on the verge of falling off the wagon for the second time, I thought about calling him, but never did. His concern about a fellow alcoholic seemed to end when I refused to pledge allegiance to AA. I'd had enough of the jerks, lies and manipulation which made up my AA experience. I will never go to another meeting. If it works for you, all my best, but I don't think anyone can read what happened to me and feel as if I didn't give them a fair chance. I don't think anyone can read what happened to me and feel as if AA was helpful in any capacity.
I did this without them. I'm happy too.
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