A Holiday Snifter

Drinking and the holidays are a great match.  You're very stressed by trying to get all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, cards, gifts, tree, decorations, cookies and family time in, plus, let's face it, the holidays have some really good alcoholic drinks.  It makes it the hardest time of the year for a recovering alcoholic, in my opinion,

The holidays are one of the main reasons people have a hard time giving up drinking, but not for the stress or the festive drinks, but rather for the memories we have of the better times, when alcohol hadn't ravaged the mind and body.  I used to love a little warm Drambuie after Thanksgiving dessert was over.  With my Christmas prime rib, I would savor a fine Cabernet Sauvignon or Merlot, and a nice dry champagne on New Year's was always fun, especially since these were drinks I didn't have any other time of the year.

When you try to give up drinking, those fond holiday memories are usually the hardest hurdles to jump.  You fall back to the few times when your drinking had a level of dignity and class to validate guzzling cheap booze the rest of the year.  To get sober, you have to give it up completely, and so goes the limited 'nice' drinking you have left in your life.

The stress was there this year, unbearable at times, but I never went to the point of thinking about alcohol as a cure.  I wrapped myself in my kids, and a nice cup of coffee, when the frustration got to be too much.  This year, I didn't have the ghost of a pain/pleasure relationship weighing me down as hard as it did before.  It was still tough.  It will always be tough.

Happy New Year everyone!  I hope 2015 is wonderful for you.

Love Story

I'm in love.  The city I live in inspires me, welcomes me, entices me and compels me.  It's cold and beautiful, filled with great food, gorgeous buildings, stunning people and endearing quirks.  Every few months I get reminded of how wonderful it is to live here and how I will never leave.  She flirts with me, compliments me, warms me, and hugs me.  I'm in love.

Friday Music - The Ettes

It's like trying to hide in a swimming pool, you're always going to be exposed...

Merry Christmas

I dream of traveling the distances,
lying next to you in front of the tree and fireplace,
warm and cozy,
wrapped in a blanket,
where underneath,
we are unwrapping all of our gifts for each other.
The greatest gift is companionship,
Choosing to be with the person you want to be with.

The Secret Gallery

I had the privilege of going to a secret gallery.  This was an art gallery in a private house with some very good pieces.  It was very...romantic.

Whirling

Your View For Your Visit

This would be the music room.  We'd have had a sing along...

Friday Music - The Neighbourhood

I hope you are having a nice holiday - this may cause seizures

Spiked Eggnog

I hope you all are having a happy holiday season.

This time of year is amazingly stressful for me.  Not only do I have a big family, a lot of cards, overseas packages and numerous get togethers to plan, but my job requires me to work ahead for the holiday break.  The last two weeks I have had four 13 plus hour work days, and then I have to take care of holiday stuff.  I am exhausted.

But I'm also happy, and managing this a lot better than when I was drinking.  Last year, this was the day I fell off the wagon for the first time.  I had done so well to get from November 13th to December 18th, but the wheels came off and I spent the next week and a half really drunk.

What's funny is how the recovered drunks will tell you to never think you can ever return to drinking.  You give it up for awhile and you start to think, "well I was out of control, but now I'm back.  I can have a drink to unwind, or a beer this weekend, and I'll be just fine."  HAHAHAHA.  Actually, you have that first drink after being sober for awhile and within a very short period of time, you're back to drinking at the heaviest levels you were before you gave it up.  There is no going back, for if you do, you begin where you left off, and for most who have to give up drinking, that's a really bad place.

Last year I kind of ruined Christmas for my kids.  I'll not ever forgive myself for that one.

On the positive side, with alcohol gone, I'm able to handle the stress of the holidays much better.  It's funny, you have a drink to unwind and as you ramp up, the drinking is a major contributor to the stress.  It's only when you stop drinking do you realize how stressed out your life had become.

The Birch

AA Part 2

I am hesitant to share this part of my AA journey.  I have to, I really do, as what I'm about to describe was a major contributor to my feeling AA was never going to work for me.  What happened was so bad, it actually lead me to drink very heavily for a month.

The reason I'm hesitant is because even though I never thought "what happens in AA meetings, stays in AA meetings" was a thing, some people who go to these meetings do feel as if that is the rule.  The reality is I can't tell this chapter of my story without getting specific to a point, but if the jerk hadn't done what he had done, this would've never been an issue.  I'll try to use a minimal amount of description.

After I walked away from the noon group, I decided to try to find a different Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  I'd heard all groups were different so I went back online and found a men's only group which met one night a week at a local church.  It was late September.

The night of the meeting, I went to the church but only found locked doors.  I pulled up the meeting info on my phone and it said the meeting was in the basement.  Since the church was a split level, I went around to the back and proceeded to find all the basement doors locked too.  I started to wonder if the meeting was an old one, and the website, which clearly lacked information, had also not been updated anytime recently.

I noticed a group of men behind the church, in a park.  I took a chance and approached them, asking if this was the group that met on Thursday nights.  They said yes, and I was greeted with four smiles.  The abundance of welcoming was a nice change from my pervious meetings.  The men, all over the age of 40 (like me), informed me the meeting facilitator had the key to the building and would be there soon.  We chit-chatted, nothing too serious, for about 10 minutes.  A vehicle pulled up to the back of the church and a figure got out, went to one of the back doors, opened it up and then the lights flickered on in a large room.  The five of us strolled over.

I walked into what might have been a cafeteria or soup kitchen at some point, but had been storage for at least ten years, with piles of dusty boxes stacked precariously all around.  In an open area in the center of the room was a man putting five chars in a circle.  I immediately recognized the man as the facilitator of the first AA meeting I had gone to a few weeks earlier, the noon meetings.  This guy had facilitated two of the other meetings I had with that group and clearly was deeply involved with AA, maybe even having a paid position, if there is such a thing.  I said hello, and he looked up at me surprised.  He's a younger guy, in his twenties and although his face didn't share too much emotion, he seemed friendly enough.  He quickly grabbed a sixth chair and made room for me.

The initial dynamic of this group was very different from the other groups.  We still went through the same motions of the other meetings, although it was a quicker process with a smaller group.  We went around and started talking about drinking.  These guys seemed to have a similar stories as myself, got caught up in life, used alcohol to unwind, it got out of control.  The consequences these guys had gone through were not on par with the noon group, but the sadness in their eyes as they told their stories didn't mean they weren't scarred.

Since I felt comfortable, I decided to share my story for the first time.  I began to speak, going over the strain which really was the initial catalyst for my drinking going from social to dependent.  I talked about gradually getting worse and worse, realizing I was jeopardizing my relationship with my family and my job, and admitted if I didn't get this under control, I was going to crash hard.  At least that's what I intended to say.

When I got about 30 seconds into my story, the facilitator said something I will never forget, "oh, boo-hoo."  The entire group looked up with shocked eyes at the group 'leader.' I sat in silence, trying to figure out if this guy had actually said what I thought he had said.  I stammered, "pardon me?"

"Oh, boo-hoo!  Your life got tough and you decided to become a drunk.  You think you have real problems?  The only real problem you have is you are a drunk and you are desperately trying to find someone else to blame for your drinking.  Who's forcing you to drink?  Who?  No one, you are a drunk and until you recognize that, you'll always be a drunk.  Stop making the pain worse for everyone in your world by blaming them for your failure!"

I am not a violent man, but how I did not cave in that f-ers face right then is an enigma.  I have thought a lot about what kind of person says something like that in a meeting for people seeking help.  I thought about all of the true train wrecks this guy must have to try to help council, everyday.  This was the second group I knew of.  He might be facilitating four or five other groups too.  He likely is dealing with his own addiction issues, and might be having a hard time staying focused.  He might of thought this was an effective 'tough love' exercise.  He might have just been a jackass, 20-something who thought I really didn't have a problem.  I don't know.

Through clenched teeth, I stared directly into his skull.  "Your right, it is my fault, it is my problem, these are my mistakes.  I never blamed anyone else for my problems.  I was just giving you an idea of what was my background.  I didn't think tonight was going to be me getting publicly shamed by some guy in front of a group of strangers because he thinks this is what I need."  He rolled his eyes and acted like he had lost interest in me.

As this point, in a effort to de-escalate the tension, other group members, still clearly shocked themselves by the facilitators comments, jumped in and took the good cop role.  They said it was great I was taking these first steps, this is a long journey and it was courageous to look at myself and take blame, but to no avail.  They tried desperately to give the halftime pep talk to the team down by 40 points, but everyone knew the game was long over.  They all knew I was going to walk out of that meeting and drink like there was no tomorrow, which I did.

We wrapped up the meeting and the 20-something guy, trying to validate his actions after the fact, insisted "I never meant to get personal, but I just was trying to help you see where the problem lies."  Just wanting the meeting to get over as fast as possible, I shook his hand while looking down, letting go a quickly as I could.  After the meeting, he sprinted to his car and left.  The four other members apologized profusely for his behavior.  "That wasn't right.  He was wrong to say those things. You need to help people confront the problem, but there are better ways to do it."  They all told me to hang tough and come back next Thursday.  I didn't.

I went home, swearing off of AA.  I have run into the guy twice in passing, and both times, he saw me, turned and ran.  No attempt at an apology, no asking how I was doing, just running away.  I talked to a specialized councilor a few weeks later and when I told him what happened, he asked, "younger guy who thinks he is worldly beyond his days?"  I couldn't have tagged it better myself.  The guy was a jackass.

It's crossed my mind he might be a guy who takes pleasure in others failing while he is succeeding.  Great choice to run AA meetings.

I sank into a bottle deeper and deeper...

Friday Music - Weezer

I just like Weezer...don't judge me!

AA Part 1

Alcoholics Anonymous is an interesting organization.  I can see how it can help some people, especially people who need a regular group to meet with to keep sober, but, for a few different reasons, it didn't work at all for me.  As a matter of fact, my bad experiences with AA lead me to drink heavier for a few months before finally sobering up.  If someone was to ask me if AA works, I'd  tell them "to a point, and for some," but I would encourage them to try other options first.

In late August of 2013, I realized I was starting to crawl into a bottle and not wanting to come back out.  The good news was I still was tethered enough to reality to know I needed to stop.  I didn't want to have to go to one of those treatment facilities you see advertised, the ones which look like a spa facility and has people who look like they were in bad shape but are now cleaned up, talking about how "it saved my life."  It looked like a lovely vacation, but I really didn't think that was the level of treatment I needed.  I decided baby steps.

I went online and looked up AA.  I pulled up a shocking amount of meetings in my area, near 50 a week, within a 5 mile radius of my house.  AA meets in churches and coffee shops, in strip malls and business centers, and even at people's houses.  All the meetings were listed with a where and when, that's it.  In hindsight, this was the first problem.

I chose a group which met every day at noon at a coffee shop near my house.  I, wrongly, thought it was a nice option this group would have a daily meeting, ensuring if someone could only make it Thursdays or Sundays they had a choice.  The real intent of this group having daily meetings was due to the members of this group being heavy, hardcore addicts.  Many of these people had such serious problems with drinking and/or drugs they needed the security of a daily meeting to have a focus point to latch onto, quite literally living the 'one day at a time' mantra pressed by the AA leaders.  The rest of the meeting's attendees were likely being ordered by the courts to meet everyday, but clearly had no intent of slowing down.  There was nothing on the website to warn a potential member about this fact.

I entered the meeting and sat down quietly in a corner.  There were about 25 people in the group, men and women, young and old, some dressed professionally and some less.  No one introduced themselves, they all just looked at a fixed spot in front of them.  A select few members got a warm salutation, but the group had a dark feel.  We went through the meeting introductions and I got to say, "Hi I'm ____, and I'm an alcoholic."  They all responded, "Hi _____!"  Off we go.

They were going through the early motions of the meeting, when someone reminded the meeting leader they needed to ask if this was anyone's first meeting.  The guy asked, and I raised my hand, saying it was my first.  There was a stunned silence as 25 people looked at me wide eyed, like I was a child who dropped an F-bomb.  For a few moments, the meeting attitude changed from a durge to an uncomfortable community picnic, where some neighbor you've never met tries awkwardly to welcome you.  They gave me a plastic AA coin, something I still have, and went through a few formal welcoming comments.  I can't really remember what they said.  I was scared and buzzed.

We then got into what I called the meat of the meeting.  This was the open floor segment where people talked about their failures and successes.  The first person to talk had their 30 day anniversary. The group gave him a round of applause, and there were a lot of congratulations, too many congratulations.  I hadn't tried to give up alcohol at that point, but I knew from earlier in the year I could go a few days without drinking easy.  Thirty days seemed like a real short stretch of time to celebrate, but I told myself I didn't know where he was coming from.

Person after person spoke.  The room got darker and darker as horror story after horror story unfolded for me.  Lost jobs, lost kids, lost wives, lost husbands, and lost houses.  Jail time, court dates, car wrecks, two drunken rants, one of which came from a guy so drunk he was losing a sitting fight with his chair.  There were kids, KIDS(!), talking about hard days and nights with serious drugs, copious booze and sinful service preforming.  I'm in my 40's and this fight to rid my life of alcohol has been hard.  I can't imagine how hard it must be to look at life from 18 and realize the odds are against you.

I kept quiet.  I studied the group.  I kept saying to myself, "I'm not anywhere close to these guys." It's not fair to compare your addiction to others, but this group gave me a really screwed up starting position.  Next to most of these people I was a guy who had a few too many after work one night.  My problems seemed quaint.  I went to a few more noon meetings, three to be exact, and I finally said enough.  It was in the fourth meeting where a drunk man went on a 20 minute, slurred, angry rant about how the world was so unfair, and no one batted an eye.  They just kept looking at the fixed spot in front of them the entire time.  That speech, and the reek of liquor off the guy from 30 feet away, bugged me, but not nearly as much as the woman who I had met at two other meetings insisting she never saw me a day in her life.  I knew I had a problem, but this group, due to the depth of their disease, was not relatable, and planted a seed in my mind that my problem wasn't that bad.

I went back online and realized you could not differentiate what each group was like.  They let you know if it was a men's only or women' only meeting, but never the level of addiction each group was predominantly populated with.  I know there were probably other, less weathered drinkers at these noon meetings, but they got drowned out in a sea of sorrow and misery.

I decided to try a different AA group.

Friday Music #2 - SBTRKT ft. Ezra Koeing

The music I found when holiday music felt wrong