Friday, November 28, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Holidays are Hard
I hate when I do something and I can remember the last time I did it, I was drunk. It sucks. It makes me realize how much I was screwing up. I've had about four or five really ugly reminders of that the last few weeks.
The holidays are hard. It's tough enough to scramble to get everywhere you want to go and finish everything you need to get done, but throw into that forced family gatherings, stressed out people and alcohol being around you everywhere and it can be unbearable.
I look forward to relaxing for the rest of the day tomorrow after I eat. I'll try to stay sane if you try to stay sane, deal?
The holidays are hard. It's tough enough to scramble to get everywhere you want to go and finish everything you need to get done, but throw into that forced family gatherings, stressed out people and alcohol being around you everywhere and it can be unbearable.
I look forward to relaxing for the rest of the day tomorrow after I eat. I'll try to stay sane if you try to stay sane, deal?
Friday, November 21, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Positive and Negative Re-enforcement
I think physically fit people are amazing. The ones where you see the tremendous effort they make, damn impressive. If you're 35 and older and you're in better shape than most 18 year olds, you've earned the right to brag and flaunt, but be careful when it comes to passing judgement to others.
I have not told too many people about my decision to cut alcohol from my life, partially because of some of the initial reactions I heard when I did tell some (more on that later). Like a lot of people who quit, I picked up some food and drink habits which are very unusual for me. I used to drink only black coffee, but now I drink it with cream and a shot of carmel syrup. I drink a lot more Diet Coke than I used to and I'm eating more sweets. I was never a sweets guy. Sure, I had cake and pie on special occasions, but outside of Halloween and Easter with the kids, candy and junk food were not something I partook in too often.
Since giving up alcohol, it's like my cravings started on a search for something new to offset the liquor. Entenmann's Devils Food cake chocolate covered donuts are my current taste bud paramour, but I feel there might be something better I just can't put my finger/tongue on. My wife has been a great support. So far I haven't put too many pounds on (partially because I lost a ton when I gave up the empty calories of alcohol, but now I have returned to the gym with a vengeance...I am sore), but when I saw my eating habits had changed, I got concerned I was going to pack on the weight. My wife told me not to worry about it. "I don't care how you look. I am so proud you have quit drinking. You'll always look great to me." Positive support helps.
Which brings me back to my über healthy friends. Yes, I know Diet Coke is not the healthiest thing I can drink. Yes, I know going with a herbal tea instead of a sundae disguised as a coffee is better for me. Yes, I know snack foods and candy are bad. I really do know this, and I appreciate the concern for my health, but a can of Diet Coke, a coffee with cream and sugar, and a Reese's peanut butter cup are far better for me than 10 shots of whiskey. If you're being critical of my dietary choices, I know first and foremost your trying to help. But maybe you should ask yourself, after the fourth or fifth time you've criticized my soda, whether the soda is my healthier option.
I appreciate the advice, but do me a favor, ask yourself what might be the reason why I'm ignoring it.
I have not told too many people about my decision to cut alcohol from my life, partially because of some of the initial reactions I heard when I did tell some (more on that later). Like a lot of people who quit, I picked up some food and drink habits which are very unusual for me. I used to drink only black coffee, but now I drink it with cream and a shot of carmel syrup. I drink a lot more Diet Coke than I used to and I'm eating more sweets. I was never a sweets guy. Sure, I had cake and pie on special occasions, but outside of Halloween and Easter with the kids, candy and junk food were not something I partook in too often.
Since giving up alcohol, it's like my cravings started on a search for something new to offset the liquor. Entenmann's Devils Food cake chocolate covered donuts are my current taste bud paramour, but I feel there might be something better I just can't put my finger/tongue on. My wife has been a great support. So far I haven't put too many pounds on (partially because I lost a ton when I gave up the empty calories of alcohol, but now I have returned to the gym with a vengeance...I am sore), but when I saw my eating habits had changed, I got concerned I was going to pack on the weight. My wife told me not to worry about it. "I don't care how you look. I am so proud you have quit drinking. You'll always look great to me." Positive support helps.
Which brings me back to my über healthy friends. Yes, I know Diet Coke is not the healthiest thing I can drink. Yes, I know going with a herbal tea instead of a sundae disguised as a coffee is better for me. Yes, I know snack foods and candy are bad. I really do know this, and I appreciate the concern for my health, but a can of Diet Coke, a coffee with cream and sugar, and a Reese's peanut butter cup are far better for me than 10 shots of whiskey. If you're being critical of my dietary choices, I know first and foremost your trying to help. But maybe you should ask yourself, after the fourth or fifth time you've criticized my soda, whether the soda is my healthier option.
I appreciate the advice, but do me a favor, ask yourself what might be the reason why I'm ignoring it.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Wolves
Interesting fact about wolves in the wild; they live only about 2 years. That's it. Two years, or if you believe the common 'times 7' conversion, 14 in dog years. Compare that to the common domesticated dog, where, depending on the breed, they can make it 10, 15 and even longer. Quality of life for a domesticated dog is so much better than their fight for life every minute wild counterpart. The benefits of not having to hunt for everything you eat, comfortable shelter, nutrition, vet care, even dog car harnesses and advanced medicine, have made dog's lives a much longer venture.
The same can be said about humans. In the Bronze age, life expectancy was 18. Seriously, if you made it to 35 back then, you were the wise old village elder. Today it's 80 plus. Less warfare, indentured servitude, and wild animal killings and more houses, medical care, workplace safety measures and a reliable, normalized diet have extended human life over 4 times longer than our ancient counterpart.
Which brings up an interesting observation when it comes to death. We have a tremendous amount of people who die way too young because of drugs and alcohol. Type in 'celebrity' and '27' into any search engine to see a shocking list of musicians and actors who met their demise at 27, most of them from drug and/or alcohol abuse, or from something related to said abuse.
Mind you, these people aren't just turning back the clock to the ages of yore, choosing to partake in a life expectancy more akin to ancient Rome. They are fighting back hard, medical advancements be damned, consuming enough booze and/or drugs to wipe themselves out. If a person who dies of alcohol abuse at 25 today, lived back then, they probably would have died at 10. I know a person who met both John Belushi and Amy Winehouse in their last throes of life. Both of them were so out of it, they couldn't answer even simple questions. In the case of Winehouse, he did something he had never done before, broke the mold of the job he was supposed to do and insisted on immediate medical care for her, something her people fought hard against. The way the story was relayed to me, it was as if he realized he was walking past a burning building. If he didn't yell fire, he was complacent in the ensuing carnage.
As I continue to think about things post drinking, I'm astounded by the vice in which we partake in. I'm not against drinking. I'm not. I just have a different perspective about it now that I have, hopefully, given it up for good. I am 46. It is numbing to think about the people younger than me who are long off this planet, aided on their journey with drugs and alcohol.
Most people without a mental condition wouldn't knowingly choose to throw back the clock and die young, but how many people are de facto choosing that path because they think they drink to live, when in reality they live to drink. We romanticize the party lifestyle, but when was the last time a person thought of a party lifestyle which didn't include copious amounts of booze and drugs? We worship this stupidity way too much. The good die young? Bullshit, only a dumb fool would throw away the 50 to 60 years their life may hold just so they can get their drink on.
My dog is not dumb. He has zero intent on throwing back the clock and return to his species feral roots. Instead of looking for a wounded squirrel and wondering where he can possible get out of the cold for the night, he is currently sleeping on the floor next to me, with a full belly and a smile on his muzzle.
The same can be said about humans. In the Bronze age, life expectancy was 18. Seriously, if you made it to 35 back then, you were the wise old village elder. Today it's 80 plus. Less warfare, indentured servitude, and wild animal killings and more houses, medical care, workplace safety measures and a reliable, normalized diet have extended human life over 4 times longer than our ancient counterpart.
Which brings up an interesting observation when it comes to death. We have a tremendous amount of people who die way too young because of drugs and alcohol. Type in 'celebrity' and '27' into any search engine to see a shocking list of musicians and actors who met their demise at 27, most of them from drug and/or alcohol abuse, or from something related to said abuse.
Mind you, these people aren't just turning back the clock to the ages of yore, choosing to partake in a life expectancy more akin to ancient Rome. They are fighting back hard, medical advancements be damned, consuming enough booze and/or drugs to wipe themselves out. If a person who dies of alcohol abuse at 25 today, lived back then, they probably would have died at 10. I know a person who met both John Belushi and Amy Winehouse in their last throes of life. Both of them were so out of it, they couldn't answer even simple questions. In the case of Winehouse, he did something he had never done before, broke the mold of the job he was supposed to do and insisted on immediate medical care for her, something her people fought hard against. The way the story was relayed to me, it was as if he realized he was walking past a burning building. If he didn't yell fire, he was complacent in the ensuing carnage.
As I continue to think about things post drinking, I'm astounded by the vice in which we partake in. I'm not against drinking. I'm not. I just have a different perspective about it now that I have, hopefully, given it up for good. I am 46. It is numbing to think about the people younger than me who are long off this planet, aided on their journey with drugs and alcohol.
Most people without a mental condition wouldn't knowingly choose to throw back the clock and die young, but how many people are de facto choosing that path because they think they drink to live, when in reality they live to drink. We romanticize the party lifestyle, but when was the last time a person thought of a party lifestyle which didn't include copious amounts of booze and drugs? We worship this stupidity way too much. The good die young? Bullshit, only a dumb fool would throw away the 50 to 60 years their life may hold just so they can get their drink on.
My dog is not dumb. He has zero intent on throwing back the clock and return to his species feral roots. Instead of looking for a wounded squirrel and wondering where he can possible get out of the cold for the night, he is currently sleeping on the floor next to me, with a full belly and a smile on his muzzle.
Friday, November 14, 2014
The Neighbor
I was going to write something about drinking today, something with exquisite insight into the soul and psyche of the modern drinker, and an amazing observation about the social narrative in regards to alcohol, but...
I got a call from my neighbor around noon today. She, her husband, their daughter and a dog moved in a little less than a year ago. On outside appearances, they seemed nice enough. The dad was not around a lot and more than a little standoffish, but they seemed okay.
They are getting divorced. I saw her this morning loading some things into the car, but didn't think anything of it. She and her daughter are going to move in with her mom. The dad is abusing cocaine and marijuana, drinking to the point of blacking out every time he drinks, and it apparently was physically abusive to the daughter. It sounds like there might have been some external pressure being placed on the situation from health workers who were expressing concern for the daughters well being, the final justification for her to make the move.
She said he had no interest in going to treatment or stopping his behavior. He insists he doesn't have a problem. From the sounds of it, the marriage is not going to be saved. They are likely going to lose the house. Safety protocols have been set up to protect the daughter, and his relationship with her will never be normal. Hell, if he is abusing that many drugs, he'll have a hard enough time not barreling into harder and harder drugs, let alone getting sober.
Now I am only concerned about my wife and kids, making sure his addictions and rage don't send him out of control.
When I referenced my drinking and making a mistake that would affect my life and the lives of my kids, I didn't expect to get a prime example of just such a circumstance popping up next door to me the very next day.
I got a call from my neighbor around noon today. She, her husband, their daughter and a dog moved in a little less than a year ago. On outside appearances, they seemed nice enough. The dad was not around a lot and more than a little standoffish, but they seemed okay.
They are getting divorced. I saw her this morning loading some things into the car, but didn't think anything of it. She and her daughter are going to move in with her mom. The dad is abusing cocaine and marijuana, drinking to the point of blacking out every time he drinks, and it apparently was physically abusive to the daughter. It sounds like there might have been some external pressure being placed on the situation from health workers who were expressing concern for the daughters well being, the final justification for her to make the move.
She said he had no interest in going to treatment or stopping his behavior. He insists he doesn't have a problem. From the sounds of it, the marriage is not going to be saved. They are likely going to lose the house. Safety protocols have been set up to protect the daughter, and his relationship with her will never be normal. Hell, if he is abusing that many drugs, he'll have a hard enough time not barreling into harder and harder drugs, let alone getting sober.
Now I am only concerned about my wife and kids, making sure his addictions and rage don't send him out of control.
When I referenced my drinking and making a mistake that would affect my life and the lives of my kids, I didn't expect to get a prime example of just such a circumstance popping up next door to me the very next day.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
One Year
Today marks an anniversary for me. One year ago, November 13th, was the day I first removed alcohol from my life.
My issues were a longtime coming, but some personal losses and failures in late summer/early fall of last year led me to mute life in a breathtaking and dangerous fashion.
I didn't fully remove the alcohol until February 3rd of this year. I found myself drinking around Christmas and once again in late January, but, outside of communion wine, I have not touched it since. It was a decision I'm glad I made, and one I had needed to make. I was getting to a scary place. It was too much. It was only a matter of time before I made a major mistake, a mistake which would have not only changed the trajectory of my life, but my kid's lives too.
I remember. Doing a self detox was terrifying and fascinating. It took me two days but I got past it. I had a lot of support. I'd let a few people know I was having a problem and I needed to rectify it, but in the end, I had to do this myself. It was the only way I was going to succeed.
I did not go through AA. I tried initially. More later.
Today, my head works better, a lot more like it used to. I am healthier, I have more money, I'm more productive, I'm happier and my kids are happier.
Over the next few weeks, from now until February 3rd, I am going to share some of the more interesting thoughts I've had about drinking, the culture of drinking, drinking in America, and observations from when someone decides to become alcohol free.
Let me begin by saying this, if you are like I was, knowing you are having a problem, knowing you are drinking too much, too often, but you're afraid to give it up, for whatever the reason, look in the mirror, acknowledge you need to change, and start taking the steps. They have to be your steps, it has to be your path. No one is pouring the liquor down your throat. It's you who is doing it. Don't fall back on Thanksgiving, Christmas, football games, New Years, the times when drinking is societal and cultural, as your excuse on why you don't quit. Get help (I have a sensational counselor, Bob), and take those first steps. I can tell you one thing, you'll never have success on a project you don't begin.
I feel better.
My issues were a longtime coming, but some personal losses and failures in late summer/early fall of last year led me to mute life in a breathtaking and dangerous fashion.
I didn't fully remove the alcohol until February 3rd of this year. I found myself drinking around Christmas and once again in late January, but, outside of communion wine, I have not touched it since. It was a decision I'm glad I made, and one I had needed to make. I was getting to a scary place. It was too much. It was only a matter of time before I made a major mistake, a mistake which would have not only changed the trajectory of my life, but my kid's lives too.
I remember. Doing a self detox was terrifying and fascinating. It took me two days but I got past it. I had a lot of support. I'd let a few people know I was having a problem and I needed to rectify it, but in the end, I had to do this myself. It was the only way I was going to succeed.
I did not go through AA. I tried initially. More later.
Today, my head works better, a lot more like it used to. I am healthier, I have more money, I'm more productive, I'm happier and my kids are happier.
Over the next few weeks, from now until February 3rd, I am going to share some of the more interesting thoughts I've had about drinking, the culture of drinking, drinking in America, and observations from when someone decides to become alcohol free.
Let me begin by saying this, if you are like I was, knowing you are having a problem, knowing you are drinking too much, too often, but you're afraid to give it up, for whatever the reason, look in the mirror, acknowledge you need to change, and start taking the steps. They have to be your steps, it has to be your path. No one is pouring the liquor down your throat. It's you who is doing it. Don't fall back on Thanksgiving, Christmas, football games, New Years, the times when drinking is societal and cultural, as your excuse on why you don't quit. Get help (I have a sensational counselor, Bob), and take those first steps. I can tell you one thing, you'll never have success on a project you don't begin.
I feel better.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Heat
i like my body when it is with your
body…. which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of
you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking
fuzz
of your electric fur…
~ e.e. cummings
I let down my silken hair over my shoulders and open my
thighs over my lover….Winter skies are cold and low, with
harsh winds and freezing sleet. But when we make love beneath our quilt, we
make three summer months of heat. ~ Tzu Yeh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
-
Back after vacation. The week has not even slowed down. Sigh... I know I featured her a few weeks ago, but she is fun! Tripped and fell i...
-
I went to a $500 steak house! I was sat next to a bunch of loud, swearing Canadians. The steak was delicious.
