Anger

I haven't talked much lately about giving up alcohol, and coming to grips with my addiction, but a comment from a friend's girlfriend has got me thinking.

First off, I'm still sober.  August 3rd will be my 18 month anniversary.

Last weekend, I got together with some friends for some grilled food.  As we were hanging out in their urban backyard, contemplating another bratwurst from the Weber, I started talking to a friend who knows about the drinking.  In more hushed tones, he asked how it was going.  It was all smiles and congratulations from him.  Looking like we were having fun without her, his girlfriend joined us.  We feigned ignorance when she asked what we were talking about (she is not aware of my drinking problem), and she said the following:

"It's so great to see you smiling and hanging out.  You seem so much happier lately.  I was really worried about you for awhile.  You were so angry, all the time."

Angry?  Really?  I knew what she said was true.  I was angrier when I was drinking, for a lot of reasons.  The main one was knowing what I was doing was horrible and wrong, but I wasn't stopping.  I was forgetting things and making my life far more stressful than it needed to be.  My family knew I was crashing, and their constant walking on egg shells made me furious.  For the life of me, I don't know why.

I was angry about her, for feeling betrayed, and for feeling left behind.  I was angry about the emotions and feelings lying in ruins around me.

I was angry because I was destroying myself.

His girlfriend left to get some more food and I asked if it was that noticeable.  He said he knew something was wrong, but didn't know what it was until I filled him in.  At the end, he said, "yes,  you were angry, but that was then."  I told him thanks for keeping his girl in the dark.

I asked my wife later.  She confirmed it without even batting an eye.  Knowing this angry version of me existed doesn't make me want to drink.  It's just another realization of what alcohol can do to you.  I'm glad I've been able to put it behind me, so far.