Art - March 15

Natural Innuendo - March

Zero Drink Minimum

Yesterday, my significant other returned after a 10 day trip to Mexico.  I was concerned about being alone.  I had to manage my kids, each of whom has their own agenda and activities, and manage the house, dog and my job too, but since I'm also an alcoholic who gave up the booze a year plus ago, I was concerned how the stress would manifest itself.

My appreciation for single parents who run the schedule I did, not for ten days, but for for 18 years, is in the stratosphere.  I realize I had some extremely narrow minded, short sighted thoughts in regards to single parents.  I have learned, and I apologize.  Even though I never tried to give parenting advice to a single parent in a condescending manner, and even though I kept my most harsh misguided criticism internal, I feel the need to expose my sinful thoughts and acquiesce.

I never got to a point where me drinking was a concern.  Last Tuesday, St. Patrick's Day, I made my corned beef, which requires boiling the sucker for 11 hours in a beer/brine mixture.  I poured the beer into the slow cooker, rinsed out the bottles and felt proud I never once, even with the somewhat delightful smell of hops, tried to take a taste of the remnants.

Friday was the tough day.  I was exhausted, mentally fried and just trying to get to the weekend.  My internal monologue piped up, "wouldn't a drink on a Friday night help take the edge off?"  I quickly started to bash the thought crossing my mind.  That's all I needed to do, manage everything I had to, but for an extra challenge, do it drunk!  I was happy with the intensity I crushed upon the notion.  It never came up again.

I am healthier, and happier.  It feels good to know that even under extreme stress I didn't falter, or even entertain the idea of faltering.  The real trick is to never ease up on beating down the outrageous justifications for unacceptable behavior my own mind can come up with.

Self Portrait

Friday Music - Teddybears feat. Eve

The drumming monotone of loneliness is an ever constant companion.

Howling

The Birdbath

This is a piece of crap birdbath, on the other side of the chain link fence in my neighbor's yard.  It was purchased years ago by my old neighbor, Al.  He got it at the local hardware store right after I moved in, over a decade ago, and he had me help him haul it into the backyard and place it where it is in the photo, in what at that point was the middle of a beautiful garden his wife had maintained.

Al felt that just because it was cheap didn't mean it shouldn't be taken care of.  He changed the water twice a week and washed it once a week.  He wouldn't let leaves sit in the water for too long.  It made a difference with the birds.  We used to have such a wide variety of them in the neighborhood, often on the side of the birdbath, drinking, bathing, visiting.

Every Autumn, he would go out, clean it real well and flip it over in the back yard so ice wouldn't ruin it.  Birdbaths are not like a Peanuts cartoon where they freeze up and then you play hockey.  They break pretty easily with a hard freeze.  By taking care of it, maintaining it, managing it, he took a cheap, throwaway birdbath and made it last.

Al's wife died a few years after he got it, and even though the garden quality suffered, he still took care of the birdbath.  He got a little dog, Sarah, to help keep him company and she would play and frolic in the gardens and around it, occasionally getting up on her hind legs to sneak a quick sip.  When Al died, his family cleaned out his house but left it behind, a relic for the next owners.

Last winter, 13-14, I knew the new neighbors wouldn't be in before the first freeze, so I went over and flipped it over for them.  Come spring, they put it back up, but never filled it or cleaned it.  I would water my plants on the other side of the fence and would always spray my hose into the dish, cleaning out as much grime I could, giving it a more welcoming feel.  The birds didn't come by as much.

I noticed the neighbors hadn't turned it over this last Fall, but they were going through other issues; divorce, child behavior problems and chemical dependency issues.  I meant to go and turn it over for them, but I forgot.  It froze and the inevitable happened.  It cracked and came crashing down to the position it is in now.  The ice which broke it now melted with the Spring thaw, its irreparable damage done.

Friday Music - Jamie xx

If we fail to address the anger of our past (parents, school, rejection, resentment, dismissal) then we are destined to repeat the anger.